Something that helps me let go 12/5

There have been many instances in my life where I should have let go of something – but I did not want to.

I was afraid. I was afraid to let go of relationships, homes, cars, jobs. I would state that ” I don’t like change”. But life itself is in a constant state of change.

I was taught the biggest lesson in letting go…by letting go of my relationship with booze and drugs.

This was a relationship that you could have paid me money to let go of and I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.

I thought that the relationship with my pills and wine were the best friends I ever had. I thought they were holding me together.

It was difficult to let them go but I was to discover a power greater than myself in all of it.

So now today..if I need to let go of something I use my past experiences.

I ask myself “What things in my life did I not want to let go of…but now I am so glad that I did?”

My honest answer is…everything.

A really good day 12/4

Yesterday was one of those unexpected amazing days.

My intuition was on point (as always) but yesterday I listened to it.

I listened to it about things that I typically would think were insignificant but turned into very delightful encounters.

The first notable thing was where I got gas.

I could have waited to get gas after I had picked up Clay from preschool. But then the good in me thought – about Clay.

He is usually very hungry when I pick him up and Friday is our go out to eat day so he would have to wait at the restaurant for his meal as well.

So I went to the gas station that is in my little community before getting him. It’s way more expensive. But like I said…I was thinking of Clay.

As I was pumping the gas a woman approached me and handed me a gift card to the Blueberry Muffin (our local breakfast place). She was from the local bank and they were wishing people a happy holiday.

And then one thing after another just kept falling into place!

Clay and I had a great lunch with a front row parking space. Last minute we decided to run into a store and I ran into an old friend I have not seen for 2 years that I was delighted to see!

We put up my Christmas tree and Eve my kitten did not destroy it like I thought she would.

I also received two call backs regarding freelance writing positions for addiction and recovery centers. One of the women’s names was Angelica…how perfect!

A very good day. I am grateful I was able to be present for it!

Come this way 12/3

Last month I was thrown for a bit of a loop.

There were some women that I trusted and respected in recovery that I sadly had to move away from.

When it first happened my heart was hurt. It hurt right in that pit of my belly.

But then time…and soft guidance from above keeps showing me…come this way.

I keep feeling that I am not to look back and be bitter…but I am to move forward and be thankful.

This moment of turmoil has led me to greater connection with my god and other people.

My energy will go where I look. My energy follows my attention.

Today I am happy in the present and looking forward to see what else will be on my path.

He loves when I love 12/2

I nanny for a boy named Clayton. He is 5 and I spend most of my days with him.

Something I have noticed lately is that Clay LOVES when I love something.

I first noticed it with food. If we went to eat together he checks in with me before I have even taken the first bite to see if I like it. Or as he says “do you love it so much?”

On my birthday last September we both got soft serve ice cream cones. I had not had an ice cream cone in probably more than 1o years; I always get a dish. It was hot that day and the ice cream was drippy and soooo delicious.

Clayton brings up that day often. Reminding me of how good that ice cream cone was. He loves to say “it just hit the spot!”

So when he asked me yesterday what my favorite Christmas song was I had the joy of sharing with him “The Little Drummer Boy”.

I love the Bob Segar version and the Ray Charles version too.

We put the song on in the car and he just watched me. I started to tear up.

The conversation that followed was priceless. A lesson for me and hopefully for him.

We talked about the boy giving the King a gift from his heart. That there is no greater gift that can be given.

The boy not only played his drum for him…he played his BEST for him.

It feels like Clay is routing for me to love and play my best.

Gods grace

Why I share 12/1

If I could ever help one other person feel that it is ok to be themselves…then that is why I share.

Until I entered into a rehab over 12 years ago…I had no idea that anybody had ever felt the way I felt. Or had used booze and drugs the way I did…and hid it.

I had no idea that people did shameful things in regards to their children. Or that they lied any chance they got to protect the disease of addiction…just like me.

I had no idea until someone shared it with me.

Shame is a killer.

I am not proud of the things I did in active addiction. I am not even proud of all of the things I do when I am sober.

However, today…I share it. There is no shame…but sometimes there is pain. The pain pushes me to growth.

My wish is that everyone could feel free enough to just be themselves.

That is also my dream for me.

Landing safely 11/30

The other day I posted an account of a girl who was in a horrible situation and ended up safely at a recovery meeting Let it out 11/28.

This reminded me of something that happened to me when I was not even a year sober.

I had met a boy and his name was Jason. He had 9 months clean and I had 6 months. So of course we fell madly in love.

Unfortunately not everybody who gets clean stays clean. Jason sadly relapsed and it broke my heart into bits. It also deeply hurt my son who was about 7 or 8 years old at the time.

This particular day my son was not with me he must have been with his dad. I was alone in my house.

Jason showed up uninvited and high.

I did not let him in and I told him to leave. He wouldn’t leave. He proceeded to run around to the back of the house and tried to get in that way. He ran to the back glass slider and tried to force his way in…he was trying to break the glass.

I grabbed my bag and ran out the front door to my car. I got in the car and started to back out of the driveway and he chased the car and grabbed onto my side view mirror as the car was moving. My heart is racing as I am typing this.

It was horrible and intense. I was shaking and I drove straight to the police station in my town.

Thank god they were kind to me. They issued a temporary restraining order and then they went and looked for Jason. He was on foot…and they found him still in my neighborhood.

This part I will never forget.

It was a Saturday and as I was sitting in the police station filling out paperwork I looked up and saw the church across the street.

The time was 5:30pm and I knew that a recovery meeting would be starting there at 6:00pm.

I walked into that meeting shaken and in tears. I shared what had happened to me with shame and guilt and fear.

And then a man by the name of Frank (an old timer with many years clean) stood up…walked across the room and gave me a hug that I will never forget.

I landed safe in the arms of god, Frank and recovery.

Amazing friends 11/29

Meet Maria and Meghan. These are two of the most beautiful souls that I have been blessed to know along my journey.

I have known them as long as I have been alive. Our moms are best friends and grew up in the same small town.

We took family vacations together. We went to the local pizza place and met for pizza’s on Friday nights when we were just kids.

Births, deaths, celebrations, sickness…the whole spectrum of life we have known one another.

Last week we met for breakfast at a little place called the Blueberry Muffin. It was cold outside but inside there was a fire and such warmth from these two wonderful friends.

We had not seen one another in over TEN YEARS. But it felt like a moment in time had not passed.

Meghan’s eyes still flirt with everyone who glances her way and Maria’s laugh is greatly contagious.

Of course things happened in all of our lives. The details of our lives are different now.

But the love…it has to be the love…is still ever present. The connection. The truth. It was all overwhelmingly right there.

I can remember sharing secrets and laughing as children.

This breakfast was no different. We shared and we laughed.

It was pure. It was beautiful and it was real.

Thank you ladies…your love just pours out of you and I am blessed to know you.

***It is no coincidence that this will post on my moms bday. My mom would be so pleased if she knew how to use the internet and see the post.

Let it out 11/28

At a meeting last night a young girl (maybe early 20’s) was sitting in her chair in tears. Her eyes were red and swollen. She looked defeated.

She gave me a half hearted smile and I cannot explain what I felt.

She raised her hand and shared that she wanted to kill her brother. She was not kidding.

She explained that she had just come from the emergency room and had 6 stiches in the back of her head. Her brother was now in jail but would be released on Monday.

This girl had been defending her mother. The brother had been abusing the mom for quite some time.

She expressed how guilty she felt that she hit her brother and that recovery has taught her not to be violent. She felt shameful because all she can do now is think of ways to kill her sibling.

This girl had not picked up a drug over the situation. She came to a meeting.

She was not defeated. She was starting to heal.

She came to a place where she could freely express herself and receive hugs and kindness without judgement.

They say a problem shared is a problem cut in half.

This brave girl shared her truth and all the souls in the room listened with love. This allowed her to heal enough… so that by the time she left the meeting she was no longer feeling homicidal or suicidal.

This leads me to believe that we all are WAY more powerful than we can even comprehend.

Addiction: a notable teacher 11/27

I have been fortunate enough to have a disease that no drug can cure.

The disease of addiction has taught me first hand that I NEED to rely on a higher power or I will either pick up a drink or drug…or live a miserable sober existence.

How did I learn? A journey of pain, manipulation, emptiness…and hurt.

In active addiction I tried at least a thousand times to stop using. I tried to only use on certain days. I tried only drinking. I tried only using pills. I tried complete abstinence.

Fact was…I…myself did not have enough will power to combat a disease that has obsession and compulsion wrapped up in it.

I became obsessed with getting the drug of the day and I had the compulsion to do what ever it took to get it.

I even put my own child in harms way.

It was only when I surrendered to the pain and love in my sons eyes…that god was able to remove the obsession and compulsion for me to use.

One thing I know for certain…that I was taught by having the disease of addiction is : that there IS an amazing higher power – an incredible energy force – that performs miracles.

This was a hard way to learn this lesson but completely worth it.

A relief seeker 11/26

I am a seeker of relief.

I am constantly seeking relief from my own brain.

The reason why I used drugs and alcohol for so long was to escape. Escape the horrors of my own thinking. The horrible opinions of my very own mind.

I put down the drugs so now how do I escape the mind? I can’t.

I actually have to accept it rather than fight it. Surrender to the insanity. (sometimes I actually get to laugh at my own insanity..i love that)

Then…a power… an incredible force called god for me…is allowed to work in my life.

My mind will disrupt my own peace whenever I try to run the show.

When I allow the energy of the divine to be…all is well and relief comes.

This is my true place and gods grace.

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