It’s bringing me back 6/1

Today is Wednesday morning 6:09am. At 7:15am I will be bringing my son Tyler to his first day of out patient treatment at a mental health facility.

This is bringing me right back to where I once was.

I keep thinking about my own mother and how she must of felt when I was broken and a mess.

Before I went to rehab I did an outpatient day treatment program at Mclean’s Hospital. My son is also embarking on this very same journey.

I am praying that the staff listen and love my son. I am praying that he feels relief knowing he is not alone in this life.

I hope the other souls he will be in treatment with – connect and feel that healing and unconditional love that we can only bring to each other.

I am finding that nothing is more important than this connection.

Not sure who 5/31

I am not sure who needs to hear this message today…but I have a strong feeling that someone does.

If it is you…I understand.

If it is a friend of yours that might be struggling…maybe call them or hug them if you can.

I have lived in a state of survival mode most of my life…it IS exhausting.

But there is a hope and I am proof that we do not have to live that way any longer.

It takes time…and trust.

Much love to whomever needs this today.

“Light and Lively” 5/30

Today I woke up…NOT with fists clenched….but really grateful.

The outside world might look a bit messy…but my insides are calm and free feeling.

When I first met my sponsor Bootsie – he would call me “light and lively.” I couldn’t see it then…but I feel it today.

Today I feel like engaging with people, which is not always the case.

I don’t feel afraid today.

And although I know that can turn on a dime….it means everything to me right now.

I am thankful to the god of my understanding and to every single person on this planet that I have ever encountered to get me to this moment in time.

Yay – tears are here…joy.

The courage of another 5/29

This is about my son Tyler. He is 20 years old and has been battling some severe depression, anxiety and PTSD.

When Tyler was only 6 years old he lost…he lost many things that were once stable in his life.

His father and I divorced, his grandmother Boogie Nanna died suddenly, our kitten Kissy passed away on Christmas (she was only 5 months old) and then his mother (me) went away to rehab.

His whole life was turned upside down and I don’t think he ever received the attention he deserved to try and process and heal through it all.

But now it’s time.

After a big outburst ( a cry for help) happened 2 weeks ago…Tyler has agreed to go and get treatment at a local mental health facility.

His treatment begins this Wednesday and although he and I are both a bit nervous…he is ready.

My son did not hide his emotions with drugs and alcohol like I did.

He is facing them head on and I couldn’t be more proud…and admire him for his courage.

It is your turn to heal buddy…it’s time.

My brains CEO 5/28

The topic at Friday nights recovery meeting was regarding a higher power. The discussion was great. People shared all the different ways they came to believe in something greater than themselves.

Some discussed the struggle that they still have defining it and even finding it. Some find it in nature in music or in the group of recovering addicts.

While I was sitting there I realized for me…I have been able to find god whenever my mind was quiet.

When my mind – and the CEO that runs it – is silenced – I feel god.

Why?

Because I am then able to connect. I am able to connect to another human, a tree an ocean, a bird – a song – the moment.

This was a big revelation for me.

The effect we have 5/27

Comedian Jim Carey gave a very memorable Commencement Speech at MIU in 2014. I have listened to it more times than I can count.

There is one thing specifically that he says that just rings true through my whole body and always gives me some humility and tears of grace.

He states : “The effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is.”

When I start my day with this belief in mind…I approach the world in a whole different way.

Belonging to yourself 5/26

Being in recovery has allowed me to experience the true sense of belonging.

This is belonging to something bigger than me…yet at the same time being able to be me.

Some times in this life I have become part of certain social, political and even religious groups. This is where like minded thinking and sometimes conforming to ideas seems to be the fee of membership.

But in recovery – there are groups and meetings where I have learned not to judge another for their beliefs; be it political, religious or just plain outrageous.

I have learned that to belong also means to belong to myself.

I do not have to believe anything I do not want to…I have the freedom to feel how I feel… and express those feelings freely with other humans.

This enables me to learn to be me.

The friendly forest 5/25

Clay (my 5 year old charge) and myself went on a walk in a new area on Tuesday.

He brought his bike and is so proud because he no longer needs training wheels.

We found a pond and a trail through the woods. Clay practiced riding off road and I walked behind him.

We approached a tree that was hollowed out in 2 spots…with a very friendly chipmunk living inside it.

First the chipmunk was on the bottom floor of the tree and we both said hello. And then it was like he wanted to show off his house. He ran to the top floor – eye level with me and he grabbed a piece of his food and started happily munching but looking right at us.

I was talking to the little fella – saying hello and such. Clay asked me “Do you want to pet him?” I said “I do…but I don’t think chipmunks like to be pet.”

So I carried on walking and he navigating on his bike. As we were moving we talked about how friendly the animals were in this forest.

And I swear to you birds were coming abnormally close to us. It felt as if nothing was afraid or disturbed by our presence there. We saw at least 13 turtles hanging out on a log in the pond. A hawk flew threw the forest trees maybe 10ft above our heads.

Did Clay and I believe this into being…or is it really just an over friendly forest!

Either way it was such a good experience.

I still do it 5/24

Yesterdays post 13 Years ago today 5/23 has a picture of me all sorts of beat up. It was taken days before I entered into treatment for alcohol and drug addiction.

When I look at the photos…I am amazed at how much I beat myself up.

And even though physically I am not allowing bumps and bruises to be seen all over my face and body…I still beat myself up mentally and emotionally on a daily basis.

One thing a friend pointed out to me the other day is that I do not allow others to be unkind to me for more than a hot minute. But yet…I am still being mean to myself.

This is where I learn. This is where I look at my own behavior and once again say “enough”.

There is no need to be unkind to myself. I am a work in progress and I am here to love. And that’s it- to love me and to love you.

13 Years ago today 5/23

Today is the day that the Grace of God entered my life…and I accepted it – 5/23/2010.

This picture was taken by my mom days before I entered into treatment for my drug and alcohol addiction.

The moment in time where I said “enough” was me stumbling on my front lawn trying to get my son off the bus…looking like this.

He wiping his 7 year old tears away from his eyes and saying “I got this” as he walked down the stairs of the bus.

From that day forward I have been blessed beyond belief with miracles in my life. I have worked at my recovery, I have been carried by the angels in heaven and on this planet when I thought I couldn’t do it anymore.

I have felt god.

I have connected purely with others. Dropping all judgement and loving unconditionally.

My heart and soul sing daily even when the outside world appears dark and grim…my soul still sings.

Thank you god – thank you thank you thank you.