There is nothing more fun and healing for me than a genuine belly laugh.
When I was caught up in active addiction, I did not laugh much at all. I could not really feel much aside from daily desperation.
But when I came into recovery and I was in rehab….I remember my first true belly laugh.
It was due to another addict telling a simple story of their insanity. They shared how they would not go to the same liquor store 2 days in a row so the liquor store people would not know they had a problem.
When I heard what she said, and then I realized OMG – me too!!! A belly laugh of the hugest proportions occurred.
Tears of laughter and stomach muscles contracting…..JUST JOY -PURE JOY!
I was able to laugh and laugh at myself.
A true belly laugh for me is a connection with the stream of JOY and that is my direct route to the god that I best understand.
Today I witnessed one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my recovery.
The fact that I was even there was gods grace. Divine timing, a set up from the angels and fairies of the Universe. Call it what you will…but I was supposed to be at work and I was not.
I was at a recovery meeting. One of the closest people to me brought her son to the meeting. When the chair person asked if there was anybody new and if they would like to introduce themselves…he bravely stood up.
I watched this beautiful man (a boy in his mothers eyes) stand up and say that he was an addict and that this was his first meeting.
The courage that takes….the humility, the honesty, the surrender….is so unbelievably powerful.
The beauty was that he was there with us. The pain was, that we all knew what it takes to get there.
His moms eyes and mine welled up with tears. For that moment her boy was safe.
For that moment we were all safe.
The love in that room was incredible. My sponsor with 42 years clean sitting beside me, my best friend with 2 years clean and her son with only days….all sat together in gods grace.
Coming into recovery I started to understand the way I had been raised or conditioned.
In my home – it was instilled that I had to have a “good reputation”. I was representing my family and therefore, I was to portray myself as “society” would most accept me.
I cannot credit all of this to my parents, it was definitely tied to the teachers in my schooling, the friends that I had, their families, television shows, movies – all of it bombarded me with a feeling of “needing others approval“.
SO…I started to realize when breaking down that shell of nonsense, that I was always trying to figure out what I thought you all were thinking.
This left me with no thoughts of my own.
The “peanut galleries” thoughts were more important than mine.
Today, I am aware if I start falling into this trap. Things becoming none of my business has granted me the freedom to be me!
Regardless of what you really think…or what I think you think.
Freedom to be myself is gods grace working in my life.