I don’t even want to…3/25

Anything is possible.

Sometimes I get this “holy shit wave” of gratitude.

And here is why…

I have not used drugs or alcohol in almost 13 years….and I don’t even want to!!

When I was in active addiction that is ALL I wanted to do.

My whole life revolved around getting it and drinking it or popping it. And then the cycle started over again…get it…drink it…pop it.

The miracle is that I wake up everyday and my first thought is not about a drink or a drug.

My first thoughts today revolve around the power that healed me of the obsession.

I know when I get right with this power, when I actively seek it and genuinely look to align with it…anything IS possible.

It clicked! 3/24

For years I have heard my friend Bootsie say “You can plan plans but you can’t plan the outcome.”

Well yesterday I heard a podcast given by a man named Michael Singer; he wrote the book The Untethered Soul.

He explained that our minds are constantly trying to plan the outcome of things due to our fears of “I am not ok.”

We are constantly reaching outside of ourselves for inside issues. We learn about this very thing in recovery.

The drugs and alcohol were my attempt to solve internal issues.

So yesterday I shut down the planning board in my brain…I gave them all the day off.

I took all outcomes out of my day. As soon as I started to plan an outcome…I caught it and forgot it. I am sure a few snuck by…but today is a new day.

What I gained from doing this…was the freedom of the day to unfold as it would.

It’s another form of surrender. Another form of trust. Another ego deflating action. Another act of humility by saying “I am grateful for the moment…and I need nothing more.”

Thank you for this moment…and I need nothing more.

Shhhhh 3/23

Do you ever hear what people are NOT saying?

I remember this happening a lot when I was a kid…and when I would say the truth of a matter I was somehow muffled…shushed or shooed away! Ha!

And then as an adult…I muffled and suppressed my own knowing with alcohol and pills.

I understand today even if I know something…I don’t always have to shine the light on it.

I am learning about others needs I guess.

I still believe that the truth and the roots of different subjects are the most freeing. And my heart wants everyone to have that freedom to be themselves.

But sometimes I just need to shut my mouth…and let others find their own way. It’s “their” journey…not mine after all.

And what I think I might know….might be right for me and not anyone else.

I always end up at the same place…I don’t really know ANYTHING! ha ha!

Something greater 3/22

I believe that my addiction is a blessing and not a curse.

It is funny when people will say “but Danielle with all you have been through?”

Yes – all blessings in disguise.

It’s true in active addiction I made a mess…a big one. I made a mess of myself inside and out and this effected any and all of those around me.

I hurt the ones who loved me.

However…if all that had not happened I would not know what I know today.

My addiction showed me that there is something greater than me. There is something more powerful than my addiction to drugs/alcohol.

“I” could not stop. “I” tried.

It was when I truly surrendered with my heart and soul…and my insides cried for help…that this power was there for me.

This power has always been there for me…I just didn’t realize it until I was in state of utter despair.

Today I do not have to get into such a mess of pain to ask this force for help. I actually get to say thank you to it for all of the beauty.

I get to have an ok feeling in my mind heart and body…which I am coming to know as trust.

Author unknown 3/21

Chauvinism 3/20

Yup…I encountered some good old fashioned male chauvinism…and it took me by surprise.

The man is not that old but yet must not be evolving. There were comments that made me terribly uncomfortable…and it was perfectly ok for him. There was the “Men are from mars” – mentality.

I was degraded or spoken down to because I am an emotional being. Which in this persons mind is only a “female” trait and they said those very words.

Gods funny…I needed this very encounter to sting me so I could remember my childhood.

I grew up in a male dominated household. Two older brothers and a military dad. The boys had roles and my mother and myself had different ones.

However the spirit inside me fought for my joy and said NO! I want to wear pants, climb trees, use tools…run, get dirty…be anything but a LADY! HA! My poor mother!

I fought to be free back then…not to be put in certain clothes or treated a certain way because I was a girl.

I do not have to fight today…I can just be me and hope others find the same freedom.

Loosen the grip 3/19

I was listening to Sadhguru share on letting go.

He kept saying “loosen your grip”.

I related to this easily.

When my cat Pickles was ill and getting ready to transition to the other side…I was waking up with my hands clenched into fists.

My grip…I was somehow trying to hold on and control the uncontrollable.

Pickles passed peacefully in our home and we were blessed with our new kitten Eve…such a gift.

Since that time I have not forgotten those clenched fists and I try to take notice…if and when I am holding on to something to tightly.

It starts with material things…like the steering wheel of my car, my coffee cup…my pen…my phone… a book…my hairbrush. I become aware…and loosen my grip.

The physical gives me the clues that my mental might be stressed.

At times I am moving to fast to pay attention to my stress level…so this is a quick trick to bring my awareness back to it’s proper place – the present moment.

I loosen the grip and take a breath. This works for me.

The gift of a shift 3/18

I realized a few things from yesterdays post Last night 3/17 .

I have spoken at a detox enough times that I should be used to it.

But as I explained in my post yesterday…what surprised me was my emotion and sadness when the 50-60 addicts left the room…and I cried.

I realized today why I felt this way. I was not focused on ME. I was focused on them.

In the past I have been worried how I might of sounded, or relieved that it was over and I could go home…to my safe haven where nobody is staring at me.

But this last time…I forgot about me…and wanted to chase after them.

This is growth. I’m connecting outside of me – through me and gods will.

I have learned in my recovery that self centered fear is what drives the addict to use.

I was not fearful and I was not self centered that night. It was the opposite.

This is a nice shift.

Last night 3/17

While I was at work I received a phone message from a fellow addict named Jimmy. He was in a pinch and needed speakers to share at the local detox.

I remembered that morning that I literally handed everything over to god – my higher power – and said bring me what you will.

And then hours later I was sitting on a stage in front of at least 50 – 60 other addicts who were in detox.

I was there almost 13 years ago.

The energy in the room just kept getting brighter. There was laughter. For that hour some of those addicts HEARD us share how we got out of hell on earth.

Something surprised me at the end of the meeting.

Many people came up to us and thanked us which they often do. There are hugs of just hope and support.

And then I turned and looked and saw the last few addicts file out the door… and then the room was empty.

The room was empty…and I started to cry.

I am not sure if I can explain it…but when they were with us in that room we were all safe. And then they left…and the chances that any of them will survive…are almost non existent.

“Meek” the meaning 3/16

Emmet Fox writes in the ‘Sermon on the Mount’ his interpretation of the meaning of the word meek. He states:

“It is a combination of open-mindedness, faith in God, and the realization that the Will of God for us is always something joyous and interesting and vital and much better than anything we could think of for ourselves.”

I love this and I can completely relate.

Sometimes surrendering to gods will has felt very painful to me. But that was only because of the resistance and fear I felt while doing it.

When I accepted my powerlessness over drugs and booze and surrendered to god…then and only then could the beauty begin.

As a result of that surrender… more and more joyous, vital and interesting things have become a part of my everyday.

Gods will is beautiful when I trust it.