Another drinking dream 10/27

Last night in my 10 millionth drinking dream, I picked up a bottle of Heineken and I drank it in front of my family out of spite! I don’t even like Heineken.

In the dream I was pissed (angry) at my brother because he was moving all of his stuff over to my house.

When he brought his belongings to my place, my home turned into a raging fraternity house -worse than the movie Animal house.

There were blow up booze slides, every drinking game imaginable and tons of people having a great time – all wasted!

I picked up the Heineken drank it “at” my brother – and then put it down in shame.

Every time I awaken from one of these dreams I am relieved. I thank god that I did not pick up that Heineken or anything else.

I know for me to pick up one….means I will be starting the rat race of hell on earth all over again.

Maybe these dreams are just reminders of where I could go…it feels incredibly real.

The relief of waking up and realizing I did not drink is maybe worth the experience.

Energy in Motion 10/26

I have heard the term emotion described as energy in motion. This makes perfect sense to me.

One emotion does not stay very long. Therefore they must be moving.

When I was using in active addiction I could only really get in tune with one emotion and that was desperation to “get and have more”.

Then, sobering up and ripping off the band aid to all my emotions was quite the shit storm. It was being born all over again.

I could walk and talk and appeared to be an adult….but my emotional maturity – was non existent.

Today it is a bit better. I can at least recognize these different states of emotions as they come through. They literally do just pass through.

Like a guest….some are welcomed and some are not. Some over stay their welcome and make a mess. Some I wish would stay a bit longer.

Why do I still freak out about the ones I don’t like? Maybe someday I wont but today I still do.

Today I am just grateful to feel at all.

A soul sickness? 10/25

I have heard the disease of addiction referred to as a soul sickness. A malady of the soul.

I think I shall disagree with this. My soul was never sick. My person was. ( and sometimes still is)

I feel that my soul, my spiritual energy has always been pure and connected to its source. Call it god or the energy that has created all – the higher power. The source of all things.

It was my conditioned person that kept reaching for everything and anything that would give me the joy that I was so desperately craving – that could only come from…the source…god if you will.

I reached for the quick temporary fixes: approval from others, a drink, a drug a societal success…I reached outside to try to feel good.

Today my joy begins within when I can feel my soul connecting to her true source.

Sometimes the joy of my soul gets covered by a passing cloud or two. But those pass and I am right where I am supposed to be.

A walking talking miracle that was once half way to dead.

I am such a liar 10/24

A friend requested the topic of self honesty for a post. This topic comes up frequently in recovery. Finding the “truth” of who I am.

What I have found is that my MIND is quite the little liar. This mind, when allowed… will twist me up into a knot and then turn around and blame me.

The mind will say “Danielle – go over there.” So I go and then it turns out shitty and then the SAME MIND will say “Danielle – you shouldn’t have gone over there.”

SO….who is the liar and who is falling for it? Who cares!

All I know is that coming into recovery I had to find a power greater than ME (mind) to keep me sober for a day.

I have had to transcend this mind thinking business and the only way I know how to do that….is with god.

Today I know if I am irritable and uncomfortable the mind is working over time and it’s time to take a nap. I am to try everything possible to not listen to what is between my ears.

The mind has thoughts that are limiting, judgemental and fearful.

The god centered thoughts are unlimited, freeing and kind.

When my mind, heart and soul are all lined up then all is well and I may proceed and enjoy this thing called life.

The belly Laugh 10/23

There is nothing more fun and healing for me than a genuine belly laugh.

When I was caught up in active addiction, I did not laugh much at all. I could not really feel much aside from daily desperation.

But when I came into recovery and I was in rehab….I remember my first true belly laugh.

It was due to another addict telling a simple story of their insanity. They shared how they would not go to the same liquor store 2 days in a row so the liquor store people would not know they had a problem.

When I heard what she said, and then I realized OMG – me too!!! A belly laugh of the hugest proportions occurred.

Tears of laughter and stomach muscles contracting…..JUST JOY -PURE JOY!

I was able to laugh and laugh at myself.

A true belly laugh for me is a connection with the stream of JOY and that is my direct route to the god that I best understand.

If I am belly laughing I am hanging out with god.

It’s just me, it’s always me 10/22

A story by Thich Nhat Hanh

“A monk decides to meditate alone.

Away from his monastery, he takes a boat and goes to the middle of the lake, closes his eyes and begins to meditate.

After a few hours of undisturbed silence,
he suddenly feels the blow of another boat hitting his.

With his eyes still closed, he feels his anger rising and, when he opens his eyes, he is ready to shout at the boatman who dared to disturb his meditation.

But when he opened his eyes, he saw that it was an empty boat, not tied up, floating in the middle of the lake …

At that moment, the monk achieved self-realization and understood that anger is within him; it simply needs to hit an external object to provoke it.

After that, whenever he met someone who irritated or provoked his anger, he remembers;

“The other person is just an empty boat.
Anger is inside me. “

Thich Nhat Hanh

Putting God first 10/21

When I was in active addiction the most important thing to me was getting and remaining high.

I put substances WAY above everything in my life.

They called the shots. I was at their mercy. I ran to get more even if my boy was asleep in his bed. I chased an empty promise.

For someone who does not like to be controlled….I was no more than a puppet.

Today….god is first. The disease of addiction requires something greater than me to relieve me of my obsession, compulsion and cravings. And god works for me daily.

I put god first everyday.

My morning is centered around connecting to something beautiful which for me brings me straight to the source of god.

It can be music, nature, a spiritual being speaking – where ever there is beauty for me there is god.

I go there first….and then enter into this thing called life.

Painfully beautiful 10/20

Today I witnessed one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my recovery.

The fact that I was even there was gods grace. Divine timing, a set up from the angels and fairies of the Universe. Call it what you will…but I was supposed to be at work and I was not.

I was at a recovery meeting. One of the closest people to me brought her son to the meeting. When the chair person asked if there was anybody new and if they would like to introduce themselves…he bravely stood up.

I watched this beautiful man (a boy in his mothers eyes) stand up and say that he was an addict and that this was his first meeting.

The courage that takes….the humility, the honesty, the surrender….is so unbelievably powerful.

The beauty was that he was there with us. The pain was, that we all knew what it takes to get there.

His moms eyes and mine welled up with tears. For that moment her boy was safe.

For that moment we were all safe.

The love in that room was incredible. My sponsor with 42 years clean sitting beside me, my best friend with 2 years clean and her son with only days….all sat together in gods grace.

Another day in recovery, thank you god.

My disease vs My spirit 10/19

This is what my disease sounds like: (loud)

You have nothing to offer

Nobody cares

Fuck it

I don’t care

They are all full of shit

You don’t need recovery meetings

You can have just one

You will screw it up

You are better off alone

You just hurt others

Suicide is an option by overdose

Your so stupid

What if

Your so ungrateful

Game over we are done

This life is so unbearable

Nobody will know

This is what my spirit whispers:

Easy

Your ok

Be gentle with yourself

Call a friend

This will pass

It’s just a thought

A bad moment not a bad life

You have survived for a reason

Your purpose is joy

Laughing is your favorite

Breathe this fresh air

Look at that bunny, sky, squirrel, tree, puppy…etc.

Wow your gonna be just fine

Your heart is full

Gods got you

Go to sleep, tomorrow will be better.

What i think you think….10/18

Is absolutely none of my business!

Coming into recovery I started to understand the way I had been raised or conditioned.

In my home – it was instilled that I had to have a “good reputation”. I was representing my family and therefore, I was to portray myself as “society” would most accept me.

I cannot credit all of this to my parents, it was definitely tied to the teachers in my schooling, the friends that I had, their families, television shows, movies – all of it bombarded me with a feeling of “needing others approval“.

SO…I started to realize when breaking down that shell of nonsense, that I was always trying to figure out what I thought you all were thinking.

This left me with no thoughts of my own.

The “peanut galleries” thoughts were more important than mine.

Today, I am aware if I start falling into this trap. Things becoming none of my business has granted me the freedom to be me!

Regardless of what you really think…or what I think you think.

Freedom to be myself is gods grace working in my life.

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