insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results
Why do I keep touching the hot stove and expecting not to get burned? Am I hopeful that maybe it wont be as hot this time? I continuously find myself reaching out to people (lets be real) especially x boyfriends and I expect different results. Why am I reaching outside of myself for attention and love when I KNOW damn well that it is like trying to get water from a rock.
This my friends is the part of my disease that keeps me on my toes. It can keep life interesting and somewhat chaotic. It has gotten MUCH better over the years but I still find myself acting out in the same insane ways and wondering WHY I do it.
When I say it has gotten better it really has. My heart and soul and self worth no longer depend on anyone else for upliftment. I do not NEED anyone else to tell me that I am ok. I do have that inner knowing…but sometimes that little devil of curiosity says “oh just text him and see what happens.” Then I do it and of course that asshole mind of mine says “why did you do that you dummy!!”
It is good to laugh at myself because after all I am human. When I had two years clean I had the hugest heart break over someone who got an 18 year old girl working at Dunkin Donuts pregnant. He was 35 at the time. The irony is this…at the time I was devastated!! I told him to leave town and never come to any recovery meeting that I was at EVER again. I was ready to have him physically hurt.
I felt rejected, I felt ashamed and I felt so insecure. I never thought that he might have been a little sick and maybe the reasons why he did what he did was because he was not well. I was so self centered and could not focus on anything but what HE DID TO ME. I laugh today because I cannot even remember his name!! I know his first name but I cannot for the life of me remember his last name.
What I have learned from this and many other crazy relationships like it is that I will be ok. Even if and when the pain comes I have gotten through without picking up a drink or drug. Pain will come…emotional instability does happen to me on a regular. How long I suffer is up to me. I get to decide how long I focus on something that hurts. I get to decide when I choose to accept the pain, the person, place or thing that at one point felt unacceptable.
The power is always within me. Glenda the good witch from the Wizard of Oz told Dorothy “You’ve always had the power my dear – you just had to learn it for yourself.” Amen!