The more I share my experience with others in recovery and on this platform, the more I seem to be uncovering the truth about myself.
I am learning the “why” behind my use of drugs and alcohol.
The bottom line was a deep rooted feeling of unworthiness.
How did this happen? I was not born feeling unworthy. I remember feeling invincible as a child.
Until…someone told me I was not. Until the first rotten kid in the neighborhood told me I was dumb or unattractive. Until the first well meaning teacher told me “you should know that already” and of course I did not. There are a zillion examples of the unkind things that are thrown at our innocence, these are just a few.
The trouble was NOT that these others said these things or acted unkindly. The trouble was that I BELIEVED THEM.
You can call me a giraffe today it does not mean that I am one.
So then as I grew into teenage and adulthood I started to value the others opinions of me more than I valued my own. Why – well I felt unworthy.
That deep rooted feeling made me do things that I did not REALLY want to do.
Until…I could take no more and I used the substances to get out of me because I could not stand the lie that I was unworthy any longer.
In recovery today…I recover and discover this worthiness that was once lost. It was always there…I just had to rediscover it. Thank you god.