It wasn’t really “that” bad…was it? 1/13

The disease of addiction is like no other. It will tell me that I am not sick when in fact I am very ill. This disease is one of the most manipulative mind twisting entities that I have ever encountered.

I have witnessed it in myself and in countless others.

In my active addiction it was a living nightmare. My body was beat up from head to toe, my poor son had a mother that was in shambles, my spirit was dim and I was the equivalent to a walking zombie.

Now this part of my disease is remarkable….it will send a thought to my brain that says “It wasn’t really THAT bad. It has been over 11 years, all your cells are different…you can probably have one drink and be just fine.”

HA!!! HA!!! HA!!! After all that I went through – losing myself – hurting many others…and my disease will tell me “you weren’t that bad.”

To keep this highly sneaky disease at bay…I need the others to share their truth and remind me “remember when.”

I need to get up in the morning and acknowledge that something bigger than me…an energy, a force, a source of life allows me to remain sober when I ask it to.

And then I tell my disease…maybe you think it wasn’t that bad – BUT I THINK THIS WAY IS MUCH BETTER.

Published by gracefuladdict

I am a true addict living my life one day at a time in recovery. I have been substance free -meaning NO drugs or alcohol since 5/23/10. My intention is to share my experiences daily in the hopes to free others from the fears of being who they truly are. My wish is to bravely tell my truth so others can tell theirs as well. I want to be free of self hatred and doubt. I want to live a life of joy, kindness, love and grace. Thank you!

11 thoughts on “It wasn’t really “that” bad…was it? 1/13

      1. Ah, so you have understood the anger and pain. Then your urge to drink and dull that pain would no longer be needed. And no, it is not an easy journey in any way, but behind it is that very love and happiness we all look for by understanding it. And yes, you probably do see why you are angry at those who you feel treated you poorly…but do you understand that truly down deep it is really that rejection of you by those that you loved and looked up to that has hurt the most, that you feel they didn’t love you because of that treatment. That is the real truth, that rejection of you, that lack of love leaving you feeling that there is something wrong with you. That hurt and pain is your doubt of yourself, that ingrained doubt because of how that constant treatment left you in tatters and also from all those in your relationships. And do you realize that unintentionally that anger you have held you have now passed onto your son, just as you had done to you by those you loved and looked up to. We can’t help but be what we feel. He too has to now resolve that by looking into his heart deeply and understand those same things have been unintentionally passed onto him by how he too has felt from your treatment to him…and on and on it goes down the generations. Why? Because we cannot know unconditional love until we understand conditional love first, and all those rejections we feel towards our parents, those fears that we aren’t good enough or there is something wrong with us…are those conditions. It is messy, it is hard and painful…but when finally understood we are free. Freedom unlike anything else I could describe, it’s like having the weight of 50 bricks finally taken off your shoulders after a lifetime of carrying them all round. Look and live, understand and be free πŸ˜€ ❀️ πŸ™πŸ½ πŸ¦‹

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