A double whammy 6/21

My cat Pickles was put to rest in our home yesterday morning. The woman who came and helped was amazing. Pickles was amazing during the process and I was able to connect with the beauty of it all.

Thank you to everyone who reached out with your loving and kind words. I appreciate it so very much.

My son is experiencing this completely differently and I unfortunately cannot help him. I am here watching him in pain. I feel somehow inadequate. I also do not understand the way he is feeling.

I noticed that I have been trying to suppress my feelings. A sad feeling will come up and I want to push it away. My son is diving so far into the grief and I simply do not want to go there.

I keep saying to myself : “I don’t know how to do this.” And then I say to myself – “Why do you need know how to do anything?

I am exhausted. I am sad. I am hopeful that life is showing me things that I have never experienced but need to.

A few hours after Pickles passed away my best friend texted me that her grandson Mason Rome was born. He was not expected to come on that day but he did. God showed me once again – all is well Danielle.

Published by gracefuladdict

I am a true addict living my life one day at a time in recovery. I have been substance free -meaning NO drugs or alcohol since 5/23/10. My intention is to share my experiences daily in the hopes to free others from the fears of being who they truly are. My wish is to bravely tell my truth so others can tell theirs as well. I want to be free of self hatred and doubt. I want to live a life of joy, kindness, love and grace. Thank you!

70 thoughts on “A double whammy 6/21

  1. Love and hugs Danielle. Pickles gave you such joy so the sadness is equal to the love you gave. I was heartbroken when we lost our beautiful Friskie three years ago but like you we were fortunate that the vet was a really caring and thoughtful young woman. We were blessed to have our feline companion in our life after he started life as stinky stray living on the streets and then found us! Lynn

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  2. I’m so sorry for your loss, Danielle. Our pets are such precious companions and I know you did you best for Pickles even as it was so hard for you both to say good-bye.

    I love the full circle nature of this post. It sparked an insight I heard from a professor that studies grief. She pointed out grief, those intense feelings of yearning and loss, and grieving, managing life while experiencing moments of grief, are two different things. Knowing that somehow makes it easier for me to grapple with the fact that we all do grieving differently even as we experience grief.

    Sending peace and hugs to you and your son and wishes for a safe journey for Pickles.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you that is very helpful as I have never experienced grief sober. It is very strong and to watch my son handle it differently was difficult but eye opening as well. 🌈❤️‍🩹Thank you again Wynne

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  3. I am so sorry, Danielle. I am sure Pickles is in a much better place and you helped him to get relief from his pain. It’s very difficult to let go of our loved ones. I am in tears as I am writing this comment. You are so brave and kind. I respect you a lot Dear Danielle.

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  4. I am truly sorry. Having lost a couple of pets over the years, it seldom is easy to let go of that gnawing feeling of emptiness that it leaves us with. But life, as you mention in your post, does come to a full circle. As for your son, we all process grief differently. When we lost one of our pets, my sister was unable to process it the way I and other members of my family did. And I completely get you when you mention that you feel inadequate, but by being there even in silence is what the other person needs.
    Sending you both wishes and that Pickles crosses over to the other side happy and safe. 🙂

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    1. Thank you kindly. It has been enlightening to see my son walk through this differently than myself. He’s brave and feeling every emotion as it comes. I keep pushing them to the side so when I get off to myself I cry and mourn. Thank you for telling me about your sister that helps tremendously. ❤️💜❤️

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  5. Grief does indeed also have two sides to it dear lady. The power of the loss of that connection…and…to remind us of the love of that connection. Both always residing within us, both to be felt. Let the tears go dear lady, it is in them that acceptance is found. Big hugs to you both, and Pickles will be there too ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

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    1. I still feel him here in our home. It has been enlightening for me to notice my behavior and my sons. I still hide from pain…he does not.
      I have never been sober through a loss like this so it is all new.❤️‍🩹Pickles is and was the catalyst (lol cat) for this new place it’s touching inside of me💜

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      1. You are no longer blocking dear lady, have dared to open your heart to loves touch. Allow it and it will teach you, change you, and become you…as you believe in you…and let it all go. Big hug my friend, this road is very clear ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

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  6. I’m so sorry to hear this Danielle! 🙁 I know how much you loved pickles! 👍❤️ We all experience grief in a different way. I know it’s easier said than done but try and embrace the sadness. Don’t be scared of it! You and your son are in my thoughts and best wishes! 🤗😁

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Ken…it’s been quite the ride the last few days. It’s funny that I am still scared of being sad when I am in fact sad -‘lol. Life is funny – but the journey is the journey ❤️🙏❤️

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  7. Pickles was a very fine cat. I know you and your son loved him tremendously. I hope today is better for your son and as good as can be for you❤️

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    1. … just an idea … I don’t know if anything will work … maybe talk to him about what a good job he did taking care of Pickles… how proud you are of him for that … and that one reason Pickles was such a good pet and lived so long and well was the because he took such good care of him…

      … this is difficult 😥

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      1. You are very correct in your thoughts. Pickles was a fine cat and my son was actually feeling guilty yesterday that he did not spend enough time with him. I had to tell him and I will reinforce today that Pickles was a loving cat because he was loving towards him. ❤️🙏❤️

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  8. May Pickles rest in peace, after a difficult time. No animal deserves to suffer.
    You did the right thing but it was not the easiest. Now it’s time to grieve…..
    My condolences to you and your son.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. It is so hard to watch our children in pain, all we can do is hold them in our arms and cry with them. Remember all the wonderful memories of pickles can be comforting for both of you. I will continue to lift you both up in my prayers daily.

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  10. Tyler is such a sensitive soul, he feels deeply and probably lets the feeling carry him to the bottom. Let’s hope like a cork he pops to the top soon enough. Sometimes I think that is better than suppressing and holding emotions inside where they only fester. I went numb when I lost my favorite cat and it took nearly 3 years to recover. Better out than in, as they advise.
    Sending you both hugs and love as you adjust to the loss of your dear Pickles. ❤️

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  11. My partner of 39 years is autistic, as is our son. Autistic people have tremendous difficulties dealing with changes in their environments. It causes sensory issues which are very difficult to process, and this can progress into a full-fledged meltdown. And I can tell you from first-hand experience that grief plus sensory issues are pretty heavy things to deal with. The bad news is there isn’t much you can do to help him. Don’t engage verbally or argue because that will make it even more difficult for him. And whatever you do, don’t try to reason with him. This isn’t a situation reason can help. It might take days, but he will get used to the fact that Pickles is no longer a permanent part of his world. In my son’s case, it took over a year after we had to put our dog down, and he was hostile when I got a service dog more than a year later.

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    1. This helps tremendously!! You get it…I am just learning it. I can’t pretend to understand what he is feeling because it’s on a level that is beyond my understanding at this point. I have no clarity because I am also in this fog of grief that is new to me being sober. So your advice and suggestions are very sound and I appreciate you and your understanding fully ❤️thank you Bill

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      1. If you’re amenable to a little more autism advice, please don’t romanticize it by thinking your son is working on another level. Because he’s not. Autism is irregular brain development caused by damage to one of three chromosomes. These chromosomes break on their own and many scientists are of the opinion that this is the mechanism where human intelligence evolved. Your son is not processing things on a higher or lower level. He is simply processing things differently.

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  12. I believe sadness for one can be happiness for another. As a child I was told that someone dies another life is granted (whether it be animal or human…we are all connected). This is the circle of life. A life lost is a life gained. We miss and love you Pickles🙏❤️. Welcome to the world Mason Rome Grant❤️❤️ love you my Strongest friend Danielle.

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  13. Grief is a process, takes a while. Let it be. Feel it all and appreciate the freedom to feel the bad as well as you feel the good. They are both part of the balance and circle of life. Both are a part of freedom. May God comfort you both. Hugs❤️

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  14. Feeling grief is hard but watching someone else suffer through it is awful – for there is nothing you can do to ease their pain. And when that someone is your child it is even worse, I think. I continue to hold space for you as you travel this road.

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  15. Sending love and yes grief is hard, and we all express it differently.
    Allow your son to grieve, but also allow yourself to grieve also..
    We know only too well how suppressed emotions affect our health.
    You will know when to fully let go..
    It sounds like you could be holding it all in for your sons sake..
    I’m so pleased you had a compassionate lady who took Pickles across that rainbow Bridge. Who understood your needs too. .
    Much love. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The woman that helped us was from heaven – I hugged her as soon as I saw her. She was kind, patient and understanding. Pickles loved her and purred for her…he went happily and peacefully ❤️❤️🌈we are blessed for that

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  16. ahhh… Grace ….. sigh….. my heart aches for you for all kinds of reasons, but mainly, in my heart? “Well, this is what this path looks like – we all KNEW it was coming….sometime/somewhen” – I can only offer to you, what sustained me/worked for me, when I walked through those days – when I was so deeply grieving and in need of time to grieve, my own way – long or short and yet, KNEW! I had to also be there for my son – whose grief was totally different from mine, in a way that wasn’t numbed down/superficial and/or tough love, because I could risk ‘losing myself’ in the pit of his grief, cuz it was my ‘job’ to love, protect and ‘be there’ for him –

    It meant, for me, protecting him and me, from the worst – acknowledging every offer of help on any front, to either be safety net or ‘what he needed’ just then, that i knew I was gonna ‘fail at’ and yet, it also meant, living with the possiblity that I might mess it all up –

    That’s all a load of manure dumped on one, about 20 ft deep, when one is standing in the middle of the road, just wanting to ask for directions – –

    And it sucks, when we KNOW who we want to be, but can’t fathom HOW to authentically be that, just about now –

    cut yourself some slack in thinking you are the only one who can do what is needed for your son, AND have faith that as long as you don’t try to force ‘being there’ or run away from ‘getting pulled into the dark’ with him? That’ll you both come out on the other side, intact, stronger, etc. It’s a huge leap of faith – and – – – it’s true – – – for you, for him, for me, for my son…for us all – –

    We all grieve different ways and as long as we don’t totally lose sight of each other, while we grieve? we all somehow manage to make it to the other side, alive –

    Many hugs and loves and wishes for you/yours to get what ya need, when ya need it, without having to ask for it –

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your understanding is spot on!! I want to be Mary Poppins and hug him and tell him everything is ok…but I was stiff and filled with pain – I was rigid- not cuddly and comforting. I wanted to be different than I was. That was yesterday.
      Today fortunately I feel a bit softer and more open to him. He also was able to see his therapist who CAN help ❤️ I sent him a note this morning apologizing if I was making things more difficult for him…and he was very receptive and we hugged (a real one) ♥️
      Thank you for your words and your excellent understanding 🙏💜🙏

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      1. I only have a window of understanding, into your path, because I’ve walked it, often – I am happy to ready your reply!

        My son and I have talked about ‘those’ times after the loss of his brother, and looking back? We agreed that what helped us BOTH, along the way, was giving each other the space to ‘just be’ – which meant, sometimes, being stiff or distant, but knowing, in our hearts, that we were still in sight of each other, and cared –

        Recently, he and I talked, and he said, “Ya know Mom? I listen to my friends, my co-workers, and I sometimes wonder if I’m the only one that has a safe space to be whatever I am, at the moment? Everyone should have that!” – Your posts, during this time, indicates to me that you and your son, whether it feels like it for each of you or not, appear to hold this for each other, too – and that? To me? From what others report to me on various fronts?

        Is a rare and special gift. Me? If I can remind you of that, when you’re in ‘mom-worry’ land? Then I guess, my job here is easy! 😀

        Hugs and ❤ to you both!

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  17. What a heavy load to carry 😦 I can relate. I had to put my 16 yo cat to rest during Covid and I wasn’t allowed to be in the room with him when he was put down. Made me so furious! Their little beings leave a huge hole when they depart. I know when things happen and I am upset with what is going on I get scared sometimes because it can push you so close to the edge! Find the courage to let your son see your pain and don’t hold back. That is what he is hoping for I’d imagine. Just your being there sharing his space. Good luck to you both and I pray the hole within eases for you both….Hugs…VK ❤

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    1. I am so sorry for your loss 😢I can’t imagine having to do this through Covid and not being able to hold Pickles as he left.
      Yesterday was rough but today is a little better and my son and I spoke and leaned on each other more. I was more emotionally available today❤️❤️‍🩹not easy but thank you for sharing feelings as well ❤️‍🩹

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