As a child 9/29

Growing up I had two older brothers; Roy and Jason. This one is hard for me to write about.

Roy was always a bit kinder to me than Jason was. He was the oldest and he also had a different dad so he would be away a lot of the time.

Jason and I are only about 18 months apart in age and to him I was the annoying little sister…and he just wanted me to go away.

I remember following them around and wanting to be just like them. I was in awe of all of their friends and the fun they had playing sports, video games, riding dirt bikes…they just looked like they were part of a world that I was not.

Jason was mean. He really was. Not always…but mostly.

I was not going to share that but…hey…he was mean. He would embarrass me in front of his friends and send me home crying constantly.

I was so young and even at that age I felt I did not want to be myself.

How could someone I adore be so unkind? I wonder what his motives were. Maybe it made him feel better, maybe he was just so tired of me that he wanted his own time with his friends.

I have to say his actions made me a more driven person.

I wanted to do anything and everything to impress him and his friends. So I learned to throw a football properly and I could even kick one farther than him. I learned to ride a dirt bike…and many more things.

I did these things to impress another. To achieve love and adoration from another.

Thing is I know today…I cannot win someone’s love. I cannot impress someone enough that will make them treat me kindly.

The way someone treats me today is not even about me. I wish I knew that then.

Published by gracefuladdict

I am a true addict living my life one day at a time in recovery. I have been substance free -meaning NO drugs or alcohol since 5/23/10. My intention is to share my experiences daily in the hopes to free others from the fears of being who they truly are. My wish is to bravely tell my truth so others can tell theirs as well. I want to be free of self hatred and doubt. I want to live a life of joy, kindness, love and grace. Thank you!

15 thoughts on “As a child 9/29

  1. One of life’s lessons is to be true to yourself and no one else.
    Never sell yourself out to impress another person, you simply demeaning who you are. Be proud for who you are and where you have come from – you deserve it.

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  2. Yes. I had the same experience only with my 16-month older sister. Turns out she was bipolar, didn’t know at the time. I feel your past pain and I too learned much later in life that their behavior reflects them. Hugs❤️

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    1. Thank you Tonya❤️ even though we know better today it still had great influence on shaping beliefs and thoughts of proving my self worth – but the more I look the more I learn my friend.
      Thank you for sharing about your sister…we can’t be the only ones. ❤️

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      1. I think we aren’t. But I think it is an ugly part of people’s past they avpid rather than talk about and learn from and forgive. They run like we used to to avoid pain. Thebdifference ia we refuae tonrun away any more and choose life past it. Just my thoughts. It is so helpful and meaningful that you express it so beautifully. You really have a gift from God!😃❤️

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  3. Wise words dear lady. And we need that treatment early as it reinforces our fear, usually one of rejection. But it is the climbing out of that pit of rejection that is the making of us…and the wise understanding you now have on ‘The way someone treats me today is not even about me. I wish I knew that then’…but you do now. That wisdom is priceless…as is the ability to see it in another and give that compassion to them, that now exists within you because of that treatment. Eventually you can be abused all over the place…and you will know it is only their fears creating that anger, and because of it you will just let it all go and become someone else, a very loving someone else 😀❤️🙏🏽

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    1. Thank you Mark. The more I spend time with Clay and George the more this brings me back and forward all at once. Clays undying adoration and unconditional love for George no matter how mean he is….was me with my brother Jason.
      I look to my past to see where I started seeking others approval for my own self worth. Looking to the loved ones for confirmation that I was enough. And of course it was the wrong place to look.
      But as you say it is necessary to receive that rejection from the others…so I can learn that is not where the source of love resides. ❤️

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  4. Hard telling why he was mean. Sometimes siblings just are. He might have felt that love is a zero sum game. Whatever he didn’t give and whatever he took was his to keep. Maybe he felt powerless and making you cry relieved that. Wasn’t you. Not your fault. You didn’t discuss the currency, if any, of your brother and you. I hope he still here and that maybe some rapprochement may occur.

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    1. Yes Steven I’m not sure I will ever know the why behind it. I am continuously looking at my side of things so I can heal old wounds and become more and more free❤️
      I love my brother Jason and Roy – they are both alive and well and I see them during the holidays. To this day they still LOVE to tease me and try to get a ride out of me. However since I entered into recovery – I have learned simply not to take the bait 🙏❤️

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  5. You are brave. It takes courage to face the imperfect in those who we are supposed to have close relationships. I stopped making excuses for one of my sisters. She is who she is. I am me. You can’t force a relationship to happen. I am better for knowing that.

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    1. Yes Jackie – I try not to blame anyone for anything as I am FAR from perfect! Ha ha! But I do reflect on what happened and if I was treated unkindly it’s ok to just say it. I don’t stay there but I do look at what has shaped me in certain areas – and then move forward ❤️💜💜much love and strength to you my friend 💜

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