Growing up I had two older brothers; Roy and Jason. This one is hard for me to write about.
Roy was always a bit kinder to me than Jason was. He was the oldest and he also had a different dad so he would be away a lot of the time.
Jason and I are only about 18 months apart in age and to him I was the annoying little sister…and he just wanted me to go away.
I remember following them around and wanting to be just like them. I was in awe of all of their friends and the fun they had playing sports, video games, riding dirt bikes…they just looked like they were part of a world that I was not.
Jason was mean. He really was. Not always…but mostly.
I was not going to share that but…hey…he was mean. He would embarrass me in front of his friends and send me home crying constantly.
I was so young and even at that age I felt I did not want to be myself.
How could someone I adore be so unkind? I wonder what his motives were. Maybe it made him feel better, maybe he was just so tired of me that he wanted his own time with his friends.
I have to say his actions made me a more driven person.
I wanted to do anything and everything to impress him and his friends. So I learned to throw a football properly and I could even kick one farther than him. I learned to ride a dirt bike…and many more things.
I did these things to impress another. To achieve love and adoration from another.
Thing is I know today…I cannot win someone’s love. I cannot impress someone enough that will make them treat me kindly.
The way someone treats me today is not even about me. I wish I knew that then.