Attachment and addiction 10/5

It is no secret with people who know me that I have issues with romantic types of relationships. I am interested in them and then I am very disinterested in them.

Personally I think I try them on for size and then I realize something feels off within me. Then I do not want to hurt the other or myself so I jump ship.

But today I had a different thought about it all.

I think my fear of attachment stems from my disease of addiction. I am careful not to replace one with the other.

For YEARS I relied on something outside of me to fill me. I was not only attached to it…I was addicted to it. What is the difference really?

In active addiction I was stuck. When I feel an attachment it feels very similar…I am stuck in my own mind.

Addiction is mental as well as physical.

So when an attachment to another, or to a job or a material thing rears its ugly head…I feel it and I fear it.

I always feel the relief when I separate myself from it and I turn inward to god. It feels like my true place.

Published by gracefuladdict

I am a true addict living my life one day at a time in recovery. I have been substance free -meaning NO drugs or alcohol since 5/23/10. My intention is to share my experiences daily in the hopes to free others from the fears of being who they truly are. My wish is to bravely tell my truth so others can tell theirs as well. I want to be free of self hatred and doubt. I want to live a life of joy, kindness, love and grace. Thank you!

27 thoughts on “Attachment and addiction 10/5

  1. Mmm, you’ve been so emotionally isolated by what was the addiction…trust is a hard thing to regain…with you or another. Trapped by something if you allow it control. Whether a substance or other. God loves you unconditionally, He’s brilliant at that and accepts us exactly as we are. But we are a little wobbly on that loving another, our walls are built from so many things. Find the fear with another, look deeper at what it is truly. See the ‘how’ it is making you feel…and follow that back into your childhood. In there is the answer, that part you have locked in from some way you feel you have been treated…and blocked it. And each time it comes up in your life it scares you…as it does us all. This is our journey so that in healing it we will finally love the one person we have doubted…us. Unravel that part of us, understand it, and you will be able to be with anyone. Even those that have hurt us the most, we will have released that control that we had given them/it because of our fear. And open to a freedom within us so powerful that if we were thrown in jail we would still be more free than all those on the outside. Good luck Danielle, your already opening like a flower, and will continue to do so 😀❤️🙏🏽

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      1. Our fears will always come in simply because we are always on guard for it, not realizing that by doing that we hold it up front and center. And the unconditional love wants us to be that love so gives us the very thing that will heal us. I couldn’t figure that out for the life of me for a very long time, I couldn’t put going through something so painful …as being love. But if you break a leg it won’t heal properly unless it is painfully reset so that it can heal truly. Just know in going through it, it is being very loving in that healing 😀❤️🙏🏽

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      2. Thank you Mark ❤️I do understand the pain as part of the love and healing process more and more. Having experienced losing everything to drugs and alcohol and having gone down that painful road…only to come through with an understanding of gods power love and grace…that is always the experience I use when things get painful. This love walked me through that pain only to be able to receive a greater knowing and experience life in a god guided manner.
        Your example of the 500$ a week extra for doing nothing – comes into mind as well. The pain I believe makes room for the appreciation of its opposite.
        I try to keep in mind the lessons are for me – to heal. But I sometimes just want to hurry up and heal already!! Ha ha 💜💙♥️🤭

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  2. I have a client who has an unhealthy obsession with weight and food. I bite my tongue putting in my two cents, but I truly believe she’s hurting herself by being overly obsessed. Trying too hard and obsessing over anything NEVER works. The best advice anyone ever gave me was “It shouldn’t be hard.” That includes relationships, career, friendships, and even your health.

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  3. “I think my fear of attachment stems from my disease of addiction. I am careful not to replace one with the other.”
    Very honest and wise observation about yourself Danielle & one to which I can relate! 🤔👍🙏

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  4. I get that. When flying solo, one remains in control and unfettered. An attachment to another involves compromise and vulnerability. In the rare case where you can find a mate who allows you personal freedom without demanding you compromise who you need to be, then you’d have a relationship that works.

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  5. Seems like a lonely way to live… my wife and I are both in recovery and while there are always issues to deal with, I wouldn’t want to be content without her. We are very good together and God putting us together was a small miracle.

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    1. Funny…I have not felt lonely since early recovery. I like to be alone often and I think it is just my journey at this time to do so. I have read so many wonderful things you have posted about you and your wife and it is so wonderful to see and share the realness of the good times and the obstacles that you go through.
      Time will tell what is ahead for me. But for one the first times in my life there is no “need” for another…and that feels nice.
      Thank you Jim – good to hear from you

      Liked by 1 person

  6. That does seem to be the thread of ‘the trick to getting the ‘it’ of life’ – can you connect without being totally dependent upon – can you engage without fearing loss of/no access to – can you remain strong by yourself, even when enjoying the things that bring joy that are external to you and totally out of your control – can you love the moment without depending upon an external source always providing that moment for you – ?? I, too, look at my own ‘enjoyed that – but not fully immersing myself or counting upon it – good enough for now – do not count upon it ever being there again – ever’ – it’s a hard road to walk, for me – just sharing my experience of what I thought I heard in your post – 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glad to know someone else has that understanding- ❤️There is a fine line in it all isan’t there. Connecting but not needing it…but don’t they say we do need each other- to learn and experience love ❤️ it’s all confusing really
      All I know for sure is I can’t do drugs or do stuff that feels like a replacement for said drugs 🌈🙏💜

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I like the question of addiction and attachment. Like a stone in my hand, to turn over and over, while feeling into the heft of the thing. I think I am learning now about connection, and about connecting to others rather than relying on attachment to keep me dazzled and dazzling to the other. Relatedness and connectedness are a new turning stone in my hand.

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