Part of being in recovery requires me to become aware of my behaviors and motives.
Recently I was caught off guard and hurt by some women who were very close to me. This event brought me to a new realization about myself.
What I realized was that no matter what the circumstances I end up blaming myself. I never said it out loud but deep down I had a guilt and a blame so deep rooted …that I sincerely believed…”it’s all my fault.”
Every relationship gone wrong, every mistreatment from friends, my marriage, my drug use, my child’s autism…you name it…”it’s all my fault” is the river that runs right through me.
I did not realize this until today.
I googled it. And what came up rang true. It said many children will grow up and blame themselves for everything rather than believe that a parent or someone who they love could be responsible for causing them pain or hurt.
The problem with always blaming myself is that I become an open target for others to treat me poorly…and I allow it to happen.
I am going to be more aware of not blaming myself for everything. I was not even aware that I was doing this.
Gods grace keeps guiding me back to me. To love me. This is just another piece to the puzzle.
The daily addict 
What a big realization. It also reminds me of something I read in the Road Less Traveled by psychiatrist Scott Peck. He said that we all identify somewhere on a continuum between neurotic and character disordered. People who are neurotic take too much responsibility for things in their lives and people who are character disordered take too little. He also pointed out that as a therapist, it’s hard to work with people who are character disordered because they don’t see anything as their fault.
I’ve thought about that a great deal since reading it. It made me glad I was neurotic for at least the ability to effect change within myself. So I’m passing it on to you in case it adds any perspective to your big a-ha!
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Wynne thank you so very much. I read that book many moons ago and think it might be time to try it again.
It’s funny how we discover things…this one just rose right up to the surface as I felt it and then the words just kept coming into my head “it’s all my fault” and tears were falling from my eyes and my stomach was just in knots.
It was cleansing…and now liberating to know that has been there all along.
And even in such a short amount of time I can see how I used this fear all day everyday in all sorts of situations…..and now I don’t have to live like that anymore ♥️♥️♥️
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Wow – what a great description of something surfacing and in that new revelation, all that you can see. And then it seems so obvious how these things have impacted us all along — and yet they weren’t clearly evident. I believe they become evident when we’re ready. And now as you say so beautifully, you don’t have to live that that anymore!
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This is a HUGE step in the right direction!
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Thank you granny – it is HUGE!♥️much love to you
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Hi Danielle todays post rang true with me too. I often blame myself not out of martyrdom, but because I always felt it was my fault. The statement about childhood is also very true. When I was 11 my parents separated and my mum left because my dad wouldn’t. She came to stay with us most days but I thought it was my fault, I now know this is a natural reaction a child has. I’m sure my brothers had an equally similar reaction too. We all had to emotionally look after ourselves from then on.
It’s too much responsibility to be held accountable for everything don’t you think? I believe we are only responsible for ourselves and how we react to situations etc. I don’t always react accordingly. However I’m forever learning, as we all are.
I was told by a coach – take care of your side of the street. Your not responsible for the side. Did you speak with these friends?
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Thank you Janine for sharing your experience. This is just a big revelation for me in so many areas❤️ as far as the friends go – I have said my peace and told my truth and I will let god take it from here.
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I fight with this issue all the time. What is so disturbing is the fact it is an automatic response and I didn’t even know I was doing it. Like with all the other issues we all deal with, it requires us to be ‘present’ in our life. That means shutting off the auto pilot button and paying attention to what we say and do. I’m hoping with time this process will become as easy as auto pilot and become a way of life. Being aware is the key and you are doing a great job with that D. A few devoted friends is far better than many questionable ones. VK ❤
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Amen VK – shutting off the auto pilot and being present is key. It took me a bit of a whammy to open up to this realization- but I am better for it. Thank you so very much for your kind words and always your encouragement ❤️💗🌈much love to you my friend.
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Indeed it is dear lady, those doubts and fears from our childhood stick with us for a very long time. But then God puts them in front of us so that we can finally see them. We avoid them because of the pain but the events they come in won’t allow us to block them anymore. God wants us to see that it in fact isn’t us that is causing the problem, even though that is what we believe. He will show us that in fact we as a child had believed the actions of those we love and look up to. And if they treat us a certain way…that it must be our fault, it couldn’t possibly be those people we love were at fault. But as time goes by and our wisdom grows, we are confronted more and more until we finally break through those fears and see that those people did in fact pass onto us their fears when we were young. Not intentionally, simply because they too hadn’t resolved their fears at that age, and could do no other than pass on what they knew. Their actions, and the same as we do now, are the best they know. But when you do see the ‘why’ and finally understand it, you will see something wonderful. And for the first time see that this very process is teaching us something so profound as to be beyond words. Hard…yes…but it has to be or you will not see its understanding. And as I have said before, we can never truly appreciate happiness unless we have experienced sadness too. And it is the same for unconditional love, we cannot appreciate it unless we experience conditional love first. And in breaking through our fears we will see that and finally understand that it all has a great purpose. I have asked many who have broken through to understand their fears and they all say the same thing…they would never change one step that they have trodden, not even the tiniest of them, simply because it is those that are the making of us so that we can understand unconditional love. God has given us a gift, hard as it is, to find that beauty within us. And we will, even on a daily basis because in going through those hard things much empathy, compassion and love are created within us. Smile and know His gift. You can feel it from time to time on your self love meter as you appreciate those many things in your life that you create, and even those things that you just can’t help but smile…and sometimes for no reason at all 😀❤️🙏🏽
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I love smiling for no reason ❤️from the depths of my spirit. These little clues keep bubbling up to the surface and sometimes painful but always enlightening. The journey is just beginning as I can relax more today when the storms arise – knowing that it is for the very good of my being and it’s growth towards the unconditional love that it is. Thank you for your help in this situation.
When I was emailing you that morning in utter despair and tears that is when the words “it’s all my fault” kept coming.
I had never knew that is where my belief was…I never knew. So thank you for being there my friend. Thank you 🙏 ❤️💜❤️
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My pleasure dear lady. God gave me a job to just wave His flag and help any who struggled to find meaning in this crazy world. In the beginning it is crazy, but slowly that beating heart within does finally see a purpose in what they do and build something very beautiful within. You are building well 😀❤️🙏🏽
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I do the same thing
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Thank you Kev – I honestly just figured this out ❤️
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Join the club Danielle! 😛👍Self-blame seems to come naturally to me too. Am constantly having to check myself on it! 🤔😁
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Thank you Ken – I had non idea that this was even a thing! Have a good day my friend ❤️🙏💜
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Bigger than it seems by the looks of it! Thanks very much and you too! 🙏🤞😁
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I can see from the replies that your post speaks loudly to a lot of us! Your google information was spot-on and it makes perfect sense; too bad we didn’t google it sooner! In my family, you were only given attention for doing things to make parent(s) proud of you, and I think that’s where my self-blame stems from. I need to try and remember this!
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Yes!! I see it’s a very common thing that I was completely unaware of!❤️my family was similar to yours – I was either getting a gold star on my forehead for pleasing the adults or I was punished….not a pleasant way to live 💜
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That is a huge discovery. Mine was also about blame but the opposite… I was blaming everyone but myself and I was the worst culprit. Now, I removed blame from the picture with forgiveness (myself and others) and choosing not to blame. I say this, “Ok, this happened, it doesn’t mattet who is to blame, what do I do about it to make it better?” This prevents the old habit. We had two sides of the same blame game- yours from unworthiness and mine from pride. You are worthy and I choose humble. We got this with God.😃❤️
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I LOVE humble and god!! Thank you Tonya! Love your experience too!❤️❤️
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I think we all do this, Grace, but some to larger degrees. It’s a fine line between taking responsibility for your own actions/mistakes and being too hard on yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Wishing you peace, dear Grace!
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You are the best my friend – I hope all your picks are spot on this weekend! If not … I do know that it won’t be my fault! Lol ha ha! 🥳😂🤣
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Well, shoot, Grace. I guess I have to take responsibility then. That sucks! 😉 Good luck to your Pats, today. My Broncos just plain suck! Wishing you peace, dear friend!
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Pats killed it yay – but I was not there to witness. I was walking in the woods for 3 hours – beautiful all around! Sorry about your sucky Broncos 🫢
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Another club member here. Your words,”I allow it to happen.” hit home. When I realized this, I was angry with myself. Then I forgave myself. This is what helped me to change old patterns. I am learning and rising above these lifelong habits that do not serve. I am not a doormat. I am not responible for all wrongs. You are on the right path. Stick to it!
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Thank you Jackie! I had no idea that so many people did this – well I didn’t even know I did it so my awareness of it was at zero. Thank you for your words – take care my friend!❤️💜❤️
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It took me over 60 years to figure out the dynamic in my family of nine siblings. Ours was a highly dysfunctional family with a lot of turmoil and infighting. I was the middle child. I ended up being the ‘goat’. Over the decades, my older and younger siblings took it out on me for what was going on in their own lives. Due to hard work and fortune, my life was a lot easier than theirs. My relationships with all of them exploded when I told them I would no longer be the goat–and called them out immediately when they started blaming me. My life changed when I finally saw the pattern of behaviour.
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It’s amazing to FINALLY see this! It took a blast to the head and some tears and all that jazz…but hell it is amazing. I’m seeing it in most of my relationships! Change is a coming over here!! ❤️💜❤️
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Praying grace over you today! The blame game can be poisonous to our relationships even our relationship with ourselves.
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Thank you my friend ❤️💜❤️yes it’s just another way for me to choose to be kinder to myself ♥️
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Such a thin, thin line between holding oneself accountable, giving fair hearing to those who feel we alone are the cause of all their woes AND the other extreme side of ‘just being me, nothing is my fault/issue until someone says it is, then, they probably are just projecting ‘their’ stuff’ onto me – the inner core – the inner compass, is, for ME, the place I go when I’m struggling – but always, always, I remember one thing to keep in mind – and alas, I cannot, on wing/prayer remember if contained within Wayne Dyers works or Mike Dooley’s works or both – but there was the paraphrased by me, below, that counseled,
“At the end of the day, your only job is to keep the conduit connection between you and the Universe (Higher Power) bright, shiny – strong – uncluttered, not corroded, mucked up, cluttered with dust/grime, particles – your only job is to keep this line open and functioning well, and everything else? Will sooner or later, become clear”
And yet, to me? No matter how I look at it from any religious, spiritual, self-help, traditional practices? It always comes down to holding myself accountable, and yet, also, ensuring that what I depend upon to either give way, hold fast, say/do nothing, go forth in saying/doing, totally depends upon me being honest with myself, first, holding myself accountable, and yet, also being kind to myself –
Thus far? Figure it may just take a lifetime or more to get that balance right, EVERY Single time – every day – whether I’m at my best or not – feeling creative or under attack – finding ways to come back to that – focus it – ‘clear the filter’ of me, if ya will – everyday – over and over –
Cuz, this one? I don’t have to wonder where I saw it or not – it’s from Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements –
“Do your best Everyday – Your best will vary from day to day”
❤ being a part of your shared with others, journey, the spirit I labeled Grace (aka Danielle!) 😀
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Very wonderful words my friend. And yes – no matter who said it Dyer or Dooley or even Donald Duck 🦆 (ha ha) to keep that connection as clean and clear as possible- to allow the clutter to pass through like clouds knowing that the sun is still shining behind them. This connection is what I am. It is what you are. It is magnificent and beyond anything I can say –
So when something has uprooted itself in my being and showed me that I have this “it’s all my fault “ issue (very self centered indeed) then as painful as it was to discover the brighter the light becomes within – because it uncovered a piece. I wonder what else will fall away someday…but for now..this is enough ❤️💜❤️
Love you in my world!!!
-Grace for you
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I shared about something similar earlier today! With my upbringing, I really did think I was fully responsible for anything wrong anywhere around me. It is just the last week or two where I’m really starting to understand how deeply untrue that is, and let myself off the hook for situations for which I ought never have put myself on it. ❤️
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It’s a fascinating discovery isan’t it! Now I wonder what else I’m hiding from myself! Lol – self awareness is tricky business! Thank you for sharing Deborah- much appreciated ❤️💜❤️
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Thanks for talking about issues with women you call friends. I’ve been reading your stuff the past couple days like aww I hope Danielle is okay. Then just this morning it happens to me. Thanks for making me not feel so alone with the self blame. In actuality this woman truly came at me, and she was/is what I considered a friend of mine. It hurt. It took most of my morning. I’m going to try to move on this afternoon. Take care, and hope all is well Hilary
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Awe! Hilary I’m so sorry it happened to you 💙 But I swear these are god given opportunities to learn just how strong we really are. It’s hurts…no doubt …it hurts a lot especially for sensitive people in recovery. And it always feels like your being blind sided.
But god clears a path when it’s necessary whether we like it or expected it. My friend Bootsie says we are being saved in a sense.
I think you have my number feel free to reach out anytime!! You are a wonderful person ❤️💜❤️
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🙏🏽
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It is a habit to just think we are to blame – and usually does come from childhood. It is also easy for others to not take responsibility and make things seem like the other person’s fault. In every situation, it takes at least two to tango! Just keep your side of the street clean, apologize, and know that you are doing the best and inspiring others!!!!!
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Thank you CJ – I am learning so much about myself…I’m trying not to ignore these feelings but to be honest about them and then…allow for grace, growth and change.
I LOVE your encouraging words! Thank you again ❤️💜❤️
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Your transparent courage is a healing breath of fresh air in a world where most strive to hide their self-hatred and present an ‘all together’, happy demeanor false-self to win the admiration and acceptance of others.
Each of us is a perpetual recovering addict is some aspect of our lives. I still struggle with such episodes from time to time, but my Abba has embraced with the peaceful assurance of knowing I belong to Him, not the world, and am His beloved child He loves just as I am, not as others or myself think I should be.
There is no healing in denial. God created you on purpose for a purpose lady. Your naked integrity in sharing your recovering journey is an encouraging blessing. Thank you.
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WOW! You ooze the real-ness that I seek. Your strength in your words are very appreciated here.
Thank you for all that you shared my friend – you are not of this world – you know your true place ❤️ Wonderful to connect with you
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Thank you Grateful.
Eight decades on the planet. wandering down more than my share of destructive rabbit trails, has shown this ole prodigal God loves me in spite of myself, and freed me from the self-hatred bondage of human approval.
Keep Looking Up . . . His Best is Yet to Come!
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And so of course I thought of this:
Love comes to you and you follow
Lose one onto the Heart of the Sunrise
Sharp distance
How can the wind with its arms all around me
Lost on a wave and then after
Dream on onto the Heart of the Sunrise
But then again, I see things in music. Heartbreak, resolution. Daybreak, imagination.
Leverkühn
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