My trash looks different 1/27

It might sound trite to some. But for anyone who has ever been caught up in the disease of addiction – be it with alcohol, drugs and even food you might relate.

I was taking my trash out the other day and I noticed at the top – the things that were exposed – were empty water bottles, vegetable juice cans, some diet gingerale cans, an empty box of broccoli and cheese that I had eaten and of course an empty box of taco shells from my son.

When I was in active addiction my trash was a very shameful thing.

I would do my best to hide the wine bottles at the very bottom, but there were so many that they would just clank together in the bag.

Never mind all of the bottles that were hidden and empty all over the house.

Every time those bottles clanked together it gave me a pit of shame in my belly.

I have been in recovery for over 12 years now but I can still remember how it felt.

Who was I hiding them from? The neighbors? The trash guy? My X-husband?

Truly I think I was trying to hide them from myself.

Published by gracefuladdict

I am a true addict living my life one day at a time in recovery. I have been substance free -meaning NO drugs or alcohol since 5/23/10. My intention is to share my experiences daily in the hopes to free others from the fears of being who they truly are. My wish is to bravely tell my truth so others can tell theirs as well. I want to be free of self hatred and doubt. I want to live a life of joy, kindness, love and grace. Thank you!

30 thoughts on “My trash looks different 1/27

  1. As someone addicted to fatty foods, I sooo relate to the shame attached to taking the rubbish out. I try the same – to hide donut or cake boxes and wrappers from chocolates and bags of chips, but they have a habit of rustling and that sound makes me feel ashamed to my very bones. I hear you on this one and I’m so proud of you for moving so far away from that xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That shame is such a trap…and I believe food addiction is a disease just like drug addiction- it’s the disease of addiction- Hershey bars to heroin they say. Thank you for sharing about the sound your shame makes in your trash…it’s the same but just a different substance ❤️keep telling your truth – it does set you free


      1. Indeed Danielle, our fears blind us to so much. But as time goes by our experiences give us wisdom so that slowly we begin to understand that it has always been us in that doubt of ourselves…then we truly dare to look why. That breakthrough is the making of us, the removal of those walls around our hearts and the understanding of that love and happiness we have ever looked for. Enjoy the journey dear lady, that light coming through is a love beyond words ❤️🙏🏽

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’ve nothing less and less fear and more and more trying to understand and face the troubles or confusions. I am running away far less and standing in my honest truth much more often. It is a journey but I’ve definitely noticed a difference- especially in the way I feel. Yay! ❤️🙏❤️

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      3. You are beginning to love and accept yourself Danielle, a very strange and beautiful time. Many things will change, shift so much meaning inside. And that inner smile…that smile is that love and happiness you have been ever looking for. And yes, there will be days, old bits tapping you on the shoulder. But now you can give thanks to each and every one of them, good and bad, and let them go as you step forward into your heart and view everything so much more differently. Welcome home dear lady, into His arms, the arms of love 😀❤️🙏🏽


  2. For some, the mirror tells us that we are “the fairest of them all.” I imagine your mirror, without bottles in the background, tells you a better story than in the past, Danielle.

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  3. I’ve heard this a thousand times in AA. Hiding your liquor bottles from the neighbors when you put out your trash (or into the recycling bin, since I live in NY). I never understood it. Who cares what the neighbors think? I just don’t understand worrying about your neighbors thinking about your drinking & drugging habits. Maybe they have some other nasty habit. What difference does it make? Maybe it’s because I grew up in the 60s & I heard David Crosby sing, “Let my freak flag fly” … so that was always my attitude. I never gave a flying F what the neighbors or anyone else thought.

    When you got sober, did you care what your drugging friends thought? No, of course you didn’t. You wanted to get sober, you wanted to get healthy, you wanted to live. The people I hang with will deride you & call you a “quitter” … cuz you’re quitting your partying habits. Ya know, I don’t care about that, either. Most of my friends are dead or dying because of their drinking & drugging. Some might say that they lived a good partying life but the way I see it … most of them died a good 10 to 20 years before they had to.

    The only time I look into other people’s garbage is when I see something that might be worth taking home with me. I’ve found Christmas decorations, end tables, a bookshelf, a really nice kid’s rocker that I’m saving for my granddaughter. If I happen to see a bunch of bottles, I think, gee, someone had a party! & that’s all I think. I don’t make judgments. I don’t think most people are making judgments, either. They’re just looking for cool stuff, like I am.

    But it’s nice that your trash no longer contains liquor bottles & you’re no longer ashamed. Not that you ever had to be ashamed. Nobody cared. Nobody ever cared except you & that’s what mattered. That shame got you sober.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s always been my misconception that people cared way more than they actually do.
      Even down to the liquor store guy – I wouldn’t go to the same one every day…I had to alternate! Ha!!
      I wish I didn’t care what people thought it would have made my drinking much easier….however maybe I wouldn’t have gotten sober that way❤️💗🙏

      Liked by 1 person

  4. interesting. i never hid anything. perhaps i was simply a “bold” alcoholic? or maybe i just didn’t care. i’ve never really invested much thought into the “trash bin” aspect of it. i do, however, notice how much quieter and at peace my heart, mind, and mouth are today! and i much prefer quiet me! as always, thanks for sharing … always helpful and thought inspiring. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahhh yes the gifts of silence…not having to be heard. Giving it a rest and becoming an active listener and observer ❤️such a beautiful state of being – I just might write about that if you don’t mind daisy?🌞♥️🙏

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  5. Yes, hiding all those bottles from ourselves. I found them for months after I stopped drinking. When your an addict, hiding shit just seemed to make perfect sense. Anything to manage the guilt and shame. So yah to be free of all that. I have great empathy for other addicts today. Trying to explain to non addicts, why addicts do the dumb shit we do sure takes time. Some people just don’t seem to get it. Which is fine. There’s so much about this world I will never ‘get.’ 😆

    Liked by 1 person

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