Entering into recovery and learning about myself more and more I have come to understand a little bit about intuition.
The first thing I have learned is that intuition is for the “individual”. My feeling, message or guidance on something is “tailor made” for me. It might be very different for you about the same exact topic.
I have ignored my intuition many times. And I have paid the price.
Or I will discuss the intuitive thought with the others (well meaning loved ones) and they feel completely different about the topic. Then my own knowing gets foggy and unclear.
And then there is the most frequent of occurrences with me….and it’s the one where I JUST DONT EVEN WANT TO KNOW!
But once you know something you can’t unknow it – ha ha.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.” – But what about when you “feel” it?
This is not a judgment against anyone who is currently using methadone or suboxone. My intention is not to offend or change the way you think. This is simply my experience and my opinion on this topic.
At a recovery meeting the other day a gentlemen disclosed he had been on suboxone for 14 years. He was now receiving monthly injections of the drug rather than the wafer/pill form.
At the end of his share he was expressing how desperately he was trying to get off of the suboxone. He also exclaimed that if you don’t have to go on it…don’t. He found it very hard to get off of…just like his former drug of choice.
Before I used pills I drank a lot. I was a bartender…it became a craft. There are many forms of alcohol that are less in content than another.
If I wanted to “try” and maintain some dignity and not get completely wasted…I would choose a wine over a tequila. (you still can get drunk on both & I always did)
I am getting this same feeling regarding choosing suboxone over oxycodone and heroin.
Personally…I know the only thing that removes the obsession to use any of it – is the power greater than me…the unspeakable energy that loves unconditionally.
I seek that power to arrest the obsession….and then thank it when it works.
I cannot use an outside substance to cure an inside issue.
The economic definition of the word appreciation is : an increase in the value of an asset over time.
I love words. I feel like they give little clues.
When I appreciate something or someone I am using my energy of love. I am placing an increase in value on the object of my attention.
I like the fact that the economic definition states “over time”. This makes sense to me.
I cannot truly appreciate something unless I have had it’s opposite. So it takes time to place value on the object or asset. I need the time and the experience with it and without it to know it’s true value.
I am learning this about myself.
I have spent so long…many days that have added up to years..not appreciating or loving myself.
I have covered up my feelings with drugs, alcohol, relationships, jobs…you name it.
I am finally coming to see…it is all about the love of self. It is all the small decisions that I make that soothe my soul because I am loving me.
God’s grace has pulled me from hell on earth…to find me. For this I truly appreciate.
While I was at a playground last week, I found myself in a conversation with another mom that was quite unpleasant.
I had mentioned to her that Clay (the boy I nanny for) and myself had just come from the marina where we checked the crab trap.
Her eyes rolled and she was inquiring which marina did the boys have their boat. When I said Scituate..she literally said “Oh they are those people.”
The woman was just insistent that people who had money were very clicky and that “her daughter” would never be friends with the “rich kids.” She said the rich kids would never accept someone like her daughter who likes “punk rock music”.
Her daughter is 6 years old.
And then my funny brain kicked in. Rather than get into it with her…and how limiting I felt her belief was for her and her daughter…my brain just said “Is that your final answer?”
I did not say it out loud…but just the thought brought me comfort and levity.
And then I realized…there is no final answer on anything. Those opinions, situations, problems, issues are always in a state of change.
The only final answer that I would be willing to give is love and god- which to me are the exact same thing.
Yesterday I went on a date with a “normie”. This is a term used in recovery to describe people without addiction issues. A “normal” person.
It was a great day and it was easy. It was simple and kind. It felt nice.
The person knows that I don’t drink or do drugs and to them…that seems normal. Ha ha!
I did not divulge my whole history of addiction and I did not mention this blog…yet. I simply just expressed that my life has been incredibly better since I stopped abusing alcohol and drugs.
They easily understood that concept.
When I came home I hopped on a recovery meeting via zoom. A girl named Isabel was sharing about how grateful she was that she had just cleaned her room, did her laundry grabbed a cup of coffee and was on a meeting.
I needed to hear her.
As an addict in recovery…it is the gratitude for the simple things that we once could not do that gives us some type of survivor comradery.
I understand the hands that used to shake unable to hold a cup of coffee…and how beautiful they can be today nice and steady.
I am not sure of the depth of this normal person as of yet. The date was light and fun as I think it should be.
If I have learned anything in this life it is that there is a sincere depth and spirit within everyone. Will they share it? That is not up to me.