The night before Mothers Day my higher power, god, spirit – an intuitive energy was suggesting I get up early and head out for a walk with god.
Lately my walks have been later in the day and I have been sleeping in whenever I can. But something inside said to go early. I do like it early because it just feels different and the golf course is empty.
But the weather was calling for heavy winds and clouds so I had a bit of resistance at the idea.
Well 5:30 am came around and I was wide awake..no alarm needed. The sun was starting to rise and I could notice breaks in the clouds so that meant a potential sunrise for me to see.
I am glad I listened to this energy.
It was windy but the birds were playing in it. It was not freezing and the air was fresh. The music I was listening to sounded sweeter than ever. The harmonies were just well…music to my ears ha ha.
My hawk friend paid me a visit and played over my head for a bit.
I was connected. I felt visits from those who have passed and I felt supported and loved beyond description. There were several moments where I had goosebumps from head to toe.
God I am stubborn. I sincerely have to laugh at my most recent behavior. I can laugh because I have the understanding of “why” I was acting crazy and I have apologized to the other poor soul who was involved.
The other day when I got the news that Pickles my cat has cancer, I was definitely zapped into a state of fear. As I was driving home from the vet with the cat in the box meowing I called a very close person to me.
I was very emotional and I thought I was going to take the cat to go pick up the medication that he needed (it was at a different place than the vet). This person calmly said “just get yourself and the kitty home, get settled and I will take you to get the medication.“
Very kind indeed and good advice. I was able to get the cat home, fed and comfy and have a shower for myself. I asked my friend to come get me around 4pm and then I changed it to 4:30pm and he was very nice and said no problem.
But then I wanted to change it back to 4pm and he didn’t respond. I texted a few times and then my head started being an asshole. I started thinking he wasn’t coming at all and he was asleep or doing something way more important.
I am hysterically laughing as I am writing this because…I am absurd! ha ha
So finally at 4:31pm I walk outside and I don’t see him. I text him one last time stating “I don’t know what happened to you but I’m going myself to get Pickles medication. Thanks anyway.”
He texts back and says “I’m here.”
I almost did not get into the car with him I was so mad. I knew I was being absolutely ridiculous but I did not even care. My cat needed his meds and I needed help…(vulnerable) and if I could not get it the minute I wanted it from another than “Fine I’ll just do it myself!”
Thank goodness this individual has a heart of gold and a good understanding of my craziness. We drove together to get the meds. He told me afterwards once I calmed down and we could have a good laugh…. that he thought at one point I might jump out of the truck.
Oh my..being human is quite funny. Thank god I am learning to accept who I am and the others that love me can do the same.
Being in recovery and dealing with holidays (especially in the beginning) was a nightmare for me.
The one that never failed to disappoint me was mother’s day. I could not figure out what dark curse had been cast upon me regarding this day.
Each year I was hopeful that this one would be better than the last. I was a mom…and now a sober mom…so what the hell was my problem. Why did each one seem to get worse??
Maybe from an outsider it looked like I was fine. But the truth is…the unworthiness and shame and guilt were screaming from my insides out.
What I was experiencing is not unique with addicts in recovery. When we get sober and then start showing up for life (holiday’s included) it just opens the door for reminders of our past. And for me Mother’s Day just stung me like a pack of hornets.
I think this is a prime example as to why it is so very difficult to STAY clean. It is those unexpected events and the feelings they produce that just put me in a panicked unhappy state.
My two favorite Mother’s Day’s that I have had in the past 12 years are as follows:
One year I flew to Florida by myself for a mini vacation. When I came home my son had a cake and a necklace for me waiting on the counter.
Oh he also spelled out I love you in oranges!!! (see above photo)
Then maybe last year or the year before when the pandemic hit I got flowers for my mom and my sister n law and delivered them to their door steps with heart felt written letters to both.
I got myself out of me and into a state of appreciation. I have learned that this is a fail proof way to have a good day.
So yesterday I brought my furry cat friend Pickles for his ultra sound. They said the dreaded word…cancer. I kind of knew it before they told me.
The good news is the vet said he is not ready to die and he is not currently in any pain so he is not suffering. Also there is a medicine that is helping his belly digest things properly.
This news just slammed into me in so many different ways. The first thing I thought of before I left the vets office was…my son. I didn’t want to tell my son. I wanted to protect him from this pain.
There was a technician vet lady named Diane there and she actually cried with me. I told her about my son and then she just opened up about her own son. He is 21 years old and they had to put their dog named Tank down 2 years ago and her heart still aches for that pup.
There is and has been far more joy than pain from this beautiful animal. There has been 12 years of unconditional love.
This ache that I have is just love at it’s finest. I am privileged to have such a relationship with such a beautiful being.
I have no idea how long he will be here but I am savoring every minute. Just as I am learning to do with my own life.
The other day I took a walk with someone I have know for about 4 years now. We live in the same building and we used to see each other at the gym all of the time before my unfortunate back issue banned me from the gym.
He is a nice person and we always have pleasant conversation. But that was the extent of my knowledge of this person.
Lately I have found myself less fearful of others and actually very interested in the other people on this planet. It is like I am waking up and loving all of these new encounters.
On the walk I noticed how free and open I was. Just sharing my truth. This in turn allowed the other to share freely as well. We both had a general trust and kindness and there was no judgement.
This person is going through some serious medical issues and recently received some frustrating news. He was also struck by lightning years ago and showed me the exit wound on his foot!!!
You just never know who you are talking to…unless you take the time to ask and then listen.
I almost feel awake for the first time. Appreciating everything that was always right there in front of me. My eyes were closed or at least very filled with slumber.
The other day a lovely person asked me a question in regards to surrendering. She asked if I actually say the words “I surrender.”
I thought this was a great question and it prompted me to take a look at what it actually means to me.
You hear ALL THE TIME in recovery – “Let it go!” “Turn it over!” “Surrender it!” “Give it to God.”
I explained that I do not say the actual words “I surrender.”
For me all it is…is the awareness in the moment that I am trying to control the uncontrollable. How do I know I am doing that….my physical body and mind tell me so. I feel angst and stress about whatever the situation is I am trying to control.
When I have had enough stress and angst in my body…I let the thing go. How do I do that….I switch my focus. I take my attention away from it.
I literally have to “turn the other cheek” – look somewhere else. Switch my attention from the thing that is giving me the stress and focus on something else.
It sounds soo simple. It is not. It takes some faith and trust that whatever the situation, it will work out the way it is suppose to without my hands all up in the mix.
I can honestly say that I have NEVER been disappointed in the way things have turned out when I let it go.
I think of what I am letting go of…the angst, the stress and misery the thing is causing me.
Sometimes I have to surrender it or refocus more than once…but it is the awareness and the love of myself that lets me sit and reside in peace rather than in the shit storm.
Yesterday Clay (4yrs old) and I went to get some ice cream at a place called Peaceful Meadows. It is located in a cluster of cute unique shops in The Village Landing.
We have not been there since last summer. It is right on the waterfront in Plymouth Ma, where I am from.
He had his ice cream and then we were walking around. As we were walking by one store..there literally was a dog in the window looking at me. He started to whimper as we got closer.
I opened the door to the store and this beautiful pup was just so happy. He let me pet him and then he started darting around the store and whimpering with excitement! Clay was a little timid so I knelt down to show him the pup was kind and it was ok to pet him.
And I swear on everything I am this pup put his paws on my shoulders and leaned into me and I FELT A HUG!
I have never felt a hug from a dog before…it was so beautiful. It felt amazing I could have stayed there all day!!!
My eyes welled up with tears of gratitude on the floor of that store. Love is so powerful and to feel it….ahhhh.
Yesterday morning I was on my way to pick up Pickles the cat from the 24 hour emergency vet. I was very exhausted and I really just wanted to get him and bring him home. He had been at the hospital since 3am. Then of course my gas light comes on.
I pull into the gas station closest to the hospital and much to my dismay it is super busy and there’s a line to get gas.
So I’m waiting in the gas line and I see this gentleman who appears to be homeless. When I noticed him he was taping the bottom sole of his shoe and reconnecting it to the top.
He was methodical and he was just minding his own business. He was not complaining or asking for any kind of hand out…he was just doing him.
The energy and feeling that I received from him put my irritated hurried ass right in check.
I did not get a feeling that I was better off somehow because I was in a car. I got the feeling of perseverance under any and all conditions.
When he finished with his shoe he stood up put his hood on and back pack on his back. He rode off with what appeared to be all of his belongings.
The beautiful message I received from this stranger is to just keep moving forward.
As difficult as life may be sometimes…even if you have to tape up your shoe then by all means do soand keep moving forward.
After writing about the bottom of an addict. The comments that I received brought me to a new understanding.
I LOVE a new understanding. An ahhaaa moment. A glimpse of clarity…something coming into focus that was once all blurry and confusing.
Thank you to the ones who take the time to teach and guide me.
What I realized is gods grace or love; the divine energy that runs through us, runs through this planet, the oceans the fish, all of the cosmos and then some….
Is beaming to ALL of us ALL the time…always.
To recognize it is purely up to me.
I picture divine love similar to the sun and its rays. If I am standing outside and the rays are beaming directly in my face…I am open and I am receiving this gift of sunshine.
I can choose to receive it or I could pick up an umbrella and block it.
The rays are still beaming to me…but I could put something in front of it.
Laser beams of love are coming my way all the time. Am I receiving and enjoying them or am I blocking them? Depends on me in the moment I guess.
For some reason I thought differently. I did not know that even if you are currently addicted to substances and your life appears to be in shambles…gods right there with you.
Even if you cannot feel it, see it or understand it…its right therebeaming it’s grace and love to you as well.
I think my mind (shocker) was so self centered that I thought gods grace was only there for me since I became sober. This is not true – its always been there ….sober or not. It is and always will be here for me AND everyone else too.