Intuition…a curse? 9/22

Entering into recovery and learning about myself more and more I have come to understand a little bit about intuition.

The first thing I have learned is that intuition is for the “individual”. My feeling, message or guidance on something is “tailor made” for me. It might be very different for you about the same exact topic.

I have ignored my intuition many times. And I have paid the price.

Or I will discuss the intuitive thought with the others (well meaning loved ones) and they feel completely different about the topic. Then my own knowing gets foggy and unclear.

And then there is the most frequent of occurrences with me….and it’s the one where I JUST DONT EVEN WANT TO KNOW!

But once you know something you can’t unknow it – ha ha.

“Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.” – But what about when you “feel” it?

“God is relentless!” 9/21

My ass was on fire yesterday morning. I had something that happened that hit me right in the gut. One of those things where I am still trying to figure out the others on this planet.

It was not a HUGE deal but the actions of another provided that “pit” in my stomach that I despise.

I did not want to use. But I definitely did NOT want to feel the way I was feeling.

So I called with tears in my eyes and they picked up the phone. They were busy but put aside time to hear me in my confusion.

And then after or maybe even during my rant this person exclaims “God is relentless!”

I got it. I first felt the relief and then I laughed.

Nothing is for nothing. God – spirit – a higher power is a constant in my life. It will be there when my thinking is off and when it is on point.

My gut is my guide. I was trying to control the uncontrollable…people.

My source is my guide. It even guided me to the phone call. And back to minding my own business.

Thank you to the friend and god.

Being quiet 9/20

On this platform I share it all. I share what I am going through; the things I am discovering about myself…good and bad. The happy, sad, mad and glad.

I am an open book so to speak. This feels like a safe place to do that.

Before I entered into recovery, even as a teenager I remember trying to speak my mind….on every occasion, whether it was wanted or not.

I had a need to be heard and a need to be right.

Today I am learning to listen. I am learning to listen before I jump in and interject with anything that I might THINK I know.

I am learning the value of where I am on my path and where another might be on theirs.

I am not in charge or here to judge another’s journey. I can do my best to learn from the others and then retreat back to my own business.

I think this is a form of kindness to myself and the other.

Drugs? To get off of drugs? 9/19

This is not a judgment against anyone who is currently using methadone or suboxone. My intention is not to offend or change the way you think. This is simply my experience and my opinion on this topic.

At a recovery meeting the other day a gentlemen disclosed he had been on suboxone for 14 years. He was now receiving monthly injections of the drug rather than the wafer/pill form.

At the end of his share he was expressing how desperately he was trying to get off of the suboxone. He also exclaimed that if you don’t have to go on it…don’t. He found it very hard to get off of…just like his former drug of choice.

Before I used pills I drank a lot. I was a bartender…it became a craft. There are many forms of alcohol that are less in content than another.

If I wanted to “try” and maintain some dignity and not get completely wasted…I would choose a wine over a tequila. (you still can get drunk on both & I always did)

I am getting this same feeling regarding choosing suboxone over oxycodone and heroin.

Personally…I know the only thing that removes the obsession to use any of it – is the power greater than me…the unspeakable energy that loves unconditionally.

I seek that power to arrest the obsession….and then thank it when it works.

I cannot use an outside substance to cure an inside issue.

Feeling stronger 9/18

The last few days my physical body actually feels stronger. This is such a blessing seeing that I LOVE to move.

The biggest thing is my back which is usually in slight pain…is actually experiencing NONE.

My spine has been my “state of being antennae”. It lets me know if I am stressed or approaching dangerous territory.

I have a tendency to push myself…especially when I feel good…so I am going to do it a little different this time.

Today I am simply going to enjoy being pain free. Mentally and Physically.

Sometimes I think mental pain is far worse than physical. Really they both suck.

But today…at this moment I have neither….and for someone who once lived in all of that pain…it is truly a miracle to be free.

Thank you God, Love, Spirit, Allah, Yahweh, – or whatever you choose to call it!

To appreciate 9/17

The economic definition of the word appreciation is : an increase in the value of an asset over time.

I love words. I feel like they give little clues.

When I appreciate something or someone I am using my energy of love. I am placing an increase in value on the object of my attention.

I like the fact that the economic definition states “over time”. This makes sense to me.

I cannot truly appreciate something unless I have had it’s opposite. So it takes time to place value on the object or asset. I need the time and the experience with it and without it to know it’s true value.

I am learning this about myself.

I have spent so long…many days that have added up to years..not appreciating or loving myself.

I have covered up my feelings with drugs, alcohol, relationships, jobs…you name it.

I am finally coming to see…it is all about the love of self. It is all the small decisions that I make that soothe my soul because I am loving me.

God’s grace has pulled me from hell on earth…to find me. For this I truly appreciate.

Zoom Recovery 9/16

I find that addicts tend to be very resourceful people. During active addiction the things that we did to “get” what we needed and the lies that we told to hide it…sometimes were quite clever.

So when the pandemic hit we were very fortunate that the resourceful recovering addicts used the zoom platform to hold meetings. Many meetings are still held on zoom and are simply amazing.

The meetings are held all over the world. Some are at specific times and some are 24/7.

For me I love it because I don’t have to leave the house if I don’t want to. I can just hop on a meeting in my jammies with my coffee and listen.

For the new person or the for the person who struggles with knowing if they are an addict: I see it as a new way of letting them hear people who have experience in recovery and decide for themselves.

You do not have to speak or show your face on these meetings. You can just tune in and listen.

For me, it makes me proud to be in recovery. To see all of these people come together from all over the world and set up meetings so we can all heal together.

Just brilliant.

Sneaky Expectations 9/15

When I first entered into recovery and started to clear up mentally…I was taught about expectations.

At first, I thought it was my god given right to have expectations. I thought that people SHOULD act a certain and way and I was supposed to expect people to treat me in a certain manner.

I was supposed to put up boundaries and walls to protect myself against the others.

As I write this I realize…I was the biggest offender of treating MYSELF poorly.

And now that I am learning how to treat myself with love and kindness I am not stung as much when someone else is behaving in an unpleasant way. I understand it.

I had no idea that everything is about love of self.

When I was using drugs I just kept covering it all up.

When I am mean to another I am mean to myself.

When I love another – I love myself.

Is that your final answer? 9/14

While I was at a playground last week, I found myself in a conversation with another mom that was quite unpleasant.

I had mentioned to her that Clay (the boy I nanny for) and myself had just come from the marina where we checked the crab trap.

Her eyes rolled and she was inquiring which marina did the boys have their boat. When I said Scituate..she literally said “Oh they are those people.”

The woman was just insistent that people who had money were very clicky and that “her daughter” would never be friends with the “rich kids.” She said the rich kids would never accept someone like her daughter who likes “punk rock music”.

Her daughter is 6 years old.

And then my funny brain kicked in. Rather than get into it with her…and how limiting I felt her belief was for her and her daughter…my brain just said “Is that your final answer?”

I did not say it out loud…but just the thought brought me comfort and levity.

And then I realized…there is no final answer on anything. Those opinions, situations, problems, issues are always in a state of change.

The only final answer that I would be willing to give is love and god- which to me are the exact same thing.

The date 9/13

Yesterday I went on a date with a “normie”. This is a term used in recovery to describe people without addiction issues. A “normal” person.

It was a great day and it was easy. It was simple and kind. It felt nice.

The person knows that I don’t drink or do drugs and to them…that seems normal. Ha ha!

I did not divulge my whole history of addiction and I did not mention this blog…yet. I simply just expressed that my life has been incredibly better since I stopped abusing alcohol and drugs.

They easily understood that concept.

When I came home I hopped on a recovery meeting via zoom. A girl named Isabel was sharing about how grateful she was that she had just cleaned her room, did her laundry grabbed a cup of coffee and was on a meeting.

I needed to hear her.

As an addict in recovery…it is the gratitude for the simple things that we once could not do that gives us some type of survivor comradery.

I understand the hands that used to shake unable to hold a cup of coffee…and how beautiful they can be today nice and steady.

I am not sure of the depth of this normal person as of yet. The date was light and fun as I think it should be.

If I have learned anything in this life it is that there is a sincere depth and spirit within everyone. Will they share it? That is not up to me.

Time and gods grace will guide me on this one.