I just got off a zoom recovery meeting. I was inspired by a girl named Naomi who shared her current situation.
Naomi is new to recovery, she has about 90 days clean. She is young and bright. She was putting on her makeup in front of the zoom camera.
When it was her turn to share she told us that she was getting ready to go to a hockey game with her boyfriend.
She said prior to getting on the meeting a thought ran across her mind that said “you could have a few before the game.”
This is the disease of addiction and this is an addict in recovery shining a spot light on it.
Like a thief in a glass house – the disease was caught and surrendered.
You would not believe the response, support and love she received from the others for sharing her truth.
Her flame of truth lit up the whole meeting and it inspired others to tell on their shit as well.
I believe this is how we help heal and save one another from ourselves.
This morning upon awakening my mind started in on the “to do’s” the “should do’s” and the false projections of the future. Oh what fun!
Due to the freedom that I have acquired being in recovery, I do not have to listen to that mind.
I have learned that I do not need to believe or even entertain every thought that I think.
Therefore today, I declare as a Gentle Day for myself.
I will be gentle with myself and all others that I encounter.
I will do my best not to entertain any thoughts that are not in harmony with being gentle.
I will listen to gentle beautiful music.
. I will walk outside and kindly appreciate the beauty
I will speak a little softer, demand nothing and just love.
This is my recovery today. This is the freedom that I get to decide and choose.
For me there is nothing more powerful than divine grace.
. To me it means that the divine energy, the purest of the purest energy connects to the spirit within and allows for some sort of internal transformation
. Grace allowed me to see. This is nothing that I felt externally
. This was a type of trauma that occurred in my life that when divine grace entered I was able to miraculously see clearly, change my heart and my life
. The moment….I will never forget
It was the worst and the best moment that I have had in my life to date.
. My son at the age of 7 coming down the stairs of his school bus wiping his tears and saying “I got this”. Being dropped off to his drunken beat up mother on the front lawn
. That moment…both tragic and beautiful
. Divine Grace let me see at that moment. I felt it inside – that was enough
. Thank you god
I live in America’s hometown of Plymouth Massachusetts. Yesterday we were hit with a tremendous storm.
It was not really predicted to be as bad as it was. But as a result almost 500,000 people are without electricity.
I lost power for about 8 hours, which I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have it back.
What amazed me was this….when I was actively using drugs/alcohol my first thought in a storm would be to stock up on the booze and whatever else I could get my hands on.
I would have been obsessed with getting….and having enough. The joke is that it would NEVER have been enough. There is no such thing as “enough” or “plenty” in addiction…it’s always more more more and then some.
Yesterday, my focus was on keeping safe, my family, my friends and COFFEE!
I was also impressed with the “go with the flow” attitude I had. Even if the power had not returned I was ready to snuggle up with a good book by candle light.
God’s grace continuously provides peace and contentment even in the midst of a storm!!! YAY!
In my early years of recovery there were many nights of fear, restlessness and uncertainty.
I did not even sleep in my own bed for the first 2 years I was sober. I slept on the couch in my family room. I felt safer that way.
One night on the couch I awoke at 2am with the phrase “Be still and know” running through me. I knew it was a biblical phrase but not much else.
I immediately googled it and found that it was from Psalms 46:10 and there were also some different interpretations of it. None that I quite resonated with.
But what it meant for me was to shut down the outside noise, find the stillness inside and know…that “god” exists.
This phrase comforts me. To be still and know…not think or try to figure out…but to just KNOW.
It’s like taking a really nice deep breathe.
Last night in my 10 millionth drinking dream, I picked up a bottle of Heineken and I drank it in front of my family out of spite! I don’t even like Heineken.
In the dream I was pissed (angry) at my brother because he was moving all of his stuff over to my house.
When he brought his belongings to my place, my home turned into a raging fraternity house -worse than the movie Animal house.
There were blow up booze slides, every drinking game imaginable and tons of people having a great time – all wasted!
I picked up the Heineken drank it “at” my brother – and then put it down in shame.
Every time I awaken from one of these dreams I am relieved. I thank god that I did not pick up that Heineken or anything else.
I know for me to pick up one….means I will be starting the rat race of hell on earth all over again.
. Maybe these dreams are just reminders of where I could go…it feels incredibly real
The relief of waking up and realizing I did not drink is maybe worth the experience.
I have heard the term emotion described as energy in motion. This makes perfect sense to me.
One emotion does not stay very long. Therefore they must be moving.
When I was using in active addiction I could only really get in tune with one emotion and that was desperation to “get and have more”.
Then, sobering up and ripping off the band aid to all my emotions was quite the shit storm. It was being born all over again.
I could walk and talk and appeared to be an adult….but my emotional maturity – was non existent.
Today it is a bit better. I can at least recognize these different states of emotions as they come through. They literally do just pass through.
Like a guest….some are welcomed and some are not. Some over stay their welcome and make a mess. Some I wish would stay a bit longer.
Why do I still freak out about the ones I don’t like? Maybe someday I wont but today I still do.
Today I am just grateful to feel at all.
I have heard the disease of addiction referred to as a soul sickness. A malady of the soul.
I think I shall disagree with this. My soul was never sick. My person was. ( and sometimes still is)
I feel that my soul, my spiritual energy has always been pure and connected to its source. Call it god or the energy that has created all – the higher power. The source of all things.
It was my conditioned person that kept reaching for everything and anything that would give me the joy that I was so desperately craving – that could only come from…the source…god if you will.
I reached for the quick temporary fixes: approval from others, a drink, a drug a societal success…I reached outside to try to feel good.
Today my joy begins within when I can feel my soul connecting to her true source.
Sometimes the joy of my soul gets covered by a passing cloud or two. But those pass and I am right where I am supposed to be.
A walking talking miracle that was once half way to dead.
A friend requested the topic of self honesty for a post. This topic comes up frequently in recovery. Finding the “truth” of who I am.
What I have found is that my MIND is quite the little liar. This mind, when allowed… will twist me up into a knot and then turn around and blame me.
The mind will say “Danielle – go over there.” So I go and then it turns out shitty and then the SAME MIND will say “Danielle – you shouldn’t have gone over there.”
SO….who is the liar and who is falling for it? Who cares!
All I know is that coming into recovery I had to find a power greater than ME (mind) to keep me sober for a day.
I have had to transcend this mind thinking business and the only way I know how to do that….is with god.
Today I know if I am irritable and uncomfortable the mind is working over time and it’s time to take a nap. I am to try everything possible to not listen to what is between my ears.
The mind has thoughts that are limiting, judgemental and fearful.
The god centered thoughts are unlimited, freeing and kind.
When my mind, heart and soul are all lined up then all is well and I may proceed and enjoy this thing called life.
There is nothing more fun and healing for me than a genuine belly laugh.
When I was caught up in active addiction, I did not laugh much at all. I could not really feel much aside from daily desperation.
But when I came into recovery and I was in rehab….I remember my first true belly laugh.
It was due to another addict telling a simple story of their insanity. They shared how they would not go to the same liquor store 2 days in a row so the liquor store people would not know they had a problem.
When I heard what she said, and then I realized OMG – me too!!! A belly laugh of the hugest proportions occurred.
Tears of laughter and stomach muscles contracting…..JUST JOY -PURE JOY!
I was able to laugh and laugh at myself.
A true belly laugh for me is a connection with the stream of JOY and that is my direct route to the god that I best understand.
If I am belly laughing I am hanging out with god.