Animals, children and dead people 3/16

These are the three things that I connect to most easily. I am not often talking with the dead, however beautiful unmistakable signs and visits in dreams come often. I appreciate them so much.

The children just make me laugh. Even when they are upset and having an outrageous tantrum, I can relate. I like to scream and shout when things don’t go my way too.

With the children they also are learning so much. Everything is new in their eyes and they are drawing their own conclusions of things. They are not to much at the judgement phase as they are still observing and discovering.

And the animals, I feel so connected to every single one. Be it a dog, cat, bird or squirrel, chickens, foxes, deer, wolves you name it. They are my friends.

Pickles my cat rests his paw on my face when he wants to say he loves me.

What’s better than that!?!

I find it easy to connect to these beings because they seem to be the ones that are closest to unconditional love. The animals and dead people are always there and the children mostly appear to be there.

I guess I am drawn to what I mostly want to become.

Have you ever? 3/15

Have you ever been in a situation where you are speaking words out loud and they are yours…. but not yours?

Have you ever felt like the spirit within, an energy of a higher power was working through you and helping you deliver some human task that needed to be done?

In recovery meetings addicts/alcoholics are encouraged to share their story with one another. This means that sometimes we are standing in front of a room full of strangers that can have anywhere from 10 – 100 people in it waiting to hear us speak.

Even though it has been almost 12 years and I have spoken in front of many people in many different places…it still makes me nervous as all hell. When I think about it I get flutters in my belly.

But…when I am standing there open and vulnerable with some courage at the same time…something else takes over. God takes over.

I start to share, my voice is very shaky, my hands are trembling. I feel like I could vomit at any moment. It’s awful!!!

Until….a calm like no other is present and I am tapped into what feels like a smooth harmonious power. Everything steadies and the truth starts coming out of my soul.

This is a miracle.

A once active addict who hid from the world…stands in front of the many and calmly shares her truth.

Kindness and Encouragement 3/14

I find these two wonderful ways of being a lot on this platform.

I honestly try to live my life by not being influenced by what other people think. I have learned through many experiences that it is me who holds all the power regarding what I think of myself and that seems to be what truly matters.

But this is different.

With that being said, I am also learning about the energy of kindness and encouragement.

It reminds me of when I was new in recovery. I walked into the recovery meetings full of insecurities, doubt, shame, remorse – all of those wonderfully vulnerable emotions.

I literally hid under a baseball cap for the first 2 years.

The people in the rooms welcomed me with smiles, hugs and words of encouragement. They said they believed in me when I could not. They told me to just stay away from a drink or drug and everything else will fall into place.

They wanted absolutely nothing from me except for me to do and feel better.

When I receive the kindness, the understanding and encouragement from others on this platform and those in recovery it literally LIFTS MY SPIRIT. I can feel it.

It is the pure energy of hearts touching hearts which is just the most powerful thing on this planet if you ask me.

I thank you all for teaching me how to be.

I’ll Relax When…3/13

So I have been catching my mind lately telling me “I can relax when”…such and such task is completed.

I can relax at the end of the work day, after this post is finished, after I do the grocery shopping, the dishes, make the bed etc.

What I realized is it’s kind of a trick. It’s almost like saying “I’ll be happy when…”.

Now I know that not all of my daily tasks will be super enjoyable and yes some will be better once they are completed.

However, here I am again missing the moments. Not present in the now and just trying to plow through everything so I can get it done.

It is an illusion to think that happiness or relaxation is ahead of me and not within me.

The trust with my higher power is growing. Therefore, the ability to relax and enjoy what ever is crossing my path in the moment is also growing.

God has taken me this far….I can relax now. I can be happy now. No waiting for anything or anyone.

It’s all right here right now.

The Methadone Mile 3/12

I live just south of Boston Massachusetts. There is a road in the city of Boston that is known as the Methadone Mile. It has become a strip of street that addicts and the homeless reside in tents, card board boxes or nothing.

After a nearby drug addiction treatment facility closed it’s doors in September of 2021, the tent population has grown from a dozen to over 200. There is an estimated 300 people currently residing here.

I am not into politics, corporate America, I am not a doctor and I could not tell you how to fix any of this. I am very uninformed from a statistical point of view and I do not even watch the news EVER.

I know about this for two reasons. It is near where I live and I am an addict.

The methadone mile still has two methadone clinics open where the addicts go and receive this drug.

When I was in active addiction I took methadone to get high. Why? Because it gets you high. It made me feel as if nothing was wrong…that all was well.

I believe with all of my heart that you cannot cure one drug addiction with another drug.

This is my own personal experience and there is a road a mile long to prove it.

The struggle is real 3/11

Last week I took the boys I nanny for George 6 yrs old and Clay 4 years old to a frozen yogurt place called Sweet Frog.

I have always wanted to go there, the outside looked very happy and I have a connection with frogs.

My dead mother in law who passed suddenly at the age of 52 comes to me in frogs. She and I were very close and she adored my son. I feel her all the time.

An acronym for the word frog that I love is: “Fully Relying On God.”

My dad owns a company and him not even knowing my connection with frogs has this new logo on his trucks. (notice the tag line states “Relax. We got this.”)

My son dresses as the mascot for his amusement park job and he is KC MCbogg the Frog.

My son Tyler is in there.

So, I took the boys to the Sweet Frog yogurt place and I just loved it. Frogs everywhere…it is self serve so the boys could make their own treat. It was just a good vibe.

On the cups for the yogurt it says ” A BFF brings you ….frozen yogurt…when the struggle is real.”

My best friends name is Roberta. My dead mother in laws name is also Roberta.

I could go on but I won’t.

The Commentator 3/10

I have this commentator in my head…I call it my mind. It is constantly there ready to give any old opinion it feels like even if it is not true.

This commentator will spectate and form judgements based on my past, trying to get a rise out of me. It wants me to follow it’s game.

Like any good sports announcer it wants to keep me interested in the play by play of life. The details of who did this and who did what and it even comments as to the why behind the doing even if it’s not factual.

It projects and predicts regarding future games and events and even tells me what the outcome will be…before the game is even played.

This commentator is very entertaining. But it can also be a bit unkind.

I have learned not to hate it, not to reject it. I have learned to let it do it’s job. But I have also learned not to buy everything it’s trying to sell me either.

I appreciate it when it’s resting and peaceful, but I am not afraid of it today.

(and sometimes I even pretend to give it Howard Cosell’s voice – so I don’t take it to seriously)

The only thing I can’t do 3/9

The only thing that I cannot do in recovery is pick up the first drink or drug. Everything else is wide open for me to experience.

I can sleep with a thousand men, shop lift from stores, lie to my family and friends, become money hungry, materialistic, fake, unkind, play games with people, gamble, judge others…you name it. The harsh ways of living are all still there.

But see, when I came into recovery the ones who were staying sober and “happy” taught me about spiritual principles.

In recovery I learned about kindness, honesty, harmony, helping others, open mindedness, love, contentment and courage.

These spiritual principles allow me to feel comfortable with me…so I don’t need to pick up a drink or drug.

If I choose to engage in the not so spiritual ways of the world…I pay the price. I become uncomfortable, restless and spiritually sick. If I do not right the ship then I am going to feel so discontented that I will pick up the substance.

Do I stumble…all the time. But I know where to go when I do and it’s not to a drug or a man or a car…it’s to my recovery in which god and spiritual principles are the foundation.

I am being honest 3/8

I realized today that my honesty is improving. Not only with the other people in my life but more importantly with myself.

If something is making me uncomfortable….I am not ignoring it. I am acknowledging it, accepting it and changing it if I can.

I went through a situation recently that felt like a bit of mental torture for me. So rather than staying in the boxing ring and getting the shit beat out of me, I surrendered and backed away from the situation.

God is very smart if I choose to listen.

The morning that I was going back and forth in my brain about this situation, I picked up the bible. The bookmark was in the book of Matthew.

The first thing I saw was something about you cannot put new wine into old wine skins, the pressure makes it burst and both are ruined. (the actual scripture verse is at the top of the post)

I got my answer. I had been trying to make something old fit who I am now and I was ready to burst from the pressure.

I have grown out of this situation, it no longer fits.

Instantly I gained peace and clarity, where before there was angst and confusion.

Their First Nerf Hoop 3/7

The boys that I nanny for and myself went and bought a nerf hoop for their basement last week. We put it up Friday.

It was funny because when I mentioned that we buy one they had no idea what I was talking about. Then I found a good one and showed it to them in the box…they still were not very interested.

I bought it anyways. I remembered the many hours when I was a kid of me and my two older brothers having legit gorilla basketball games in my brother Jason’s room. It was on the back of his door and I don’t even think it had a net…it was just an orange rim.

As you can see the boys took to it quite well. We all worked up a sweat. George the older boy already wants another one so we can have a full court.

The reason for the story today… I needed to share the joy and perfection that I am finding in these two gifts.

Last week was such a roller coaster of emotions for me. Such is life.

But I have been given these two beautiful boys to focus on and experience NEW things with. So many things are new to them as they are also to me. As a person in recovery most of my life was I was not truly experiencing. The good or the bad.

Today I feel it all. I love the little one looking up to the older brother – such innocent love is there. It brings me to such a good place.

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