Connection Kills Addiction

I was listening to a man named Michael from Tampa, Florida share during a recovery meeting on the topic of isolation. He stated that “connection kills addiction.”

I thought about it and I could not agree more.

When I was in active addiction I was ALONE. I was isolated beyond belief. Not just physically but mentally as well.

Towards the end of my using I could be found daily all the way down in the unfinished side of my basement. Me, the washer and dryer, my cigarettes, cocktail and whatever flavor pill was available that day. Isolation at its finest.

Mentally…forget it. This disease told me regularly that I could not tell on myself. That I could NEVER share the horrors that I was living. The secrets, the lies – nobody on this planet EVER experienced.

Or so I thought….

Until I heard the first brave soul share at the rehab I was in. And then the next brave soul stated that they did the same shameful things that I did. Then another one… I was surrounded by people communicating and outing this sickness.

It literally only takes one. One brave person to tell the truth of what they went through and how they made it out alive to save another addict.

Gods grace gives one addict the courage to share their experience and gods grace gives the other addict the ability to hear it.

I am not high today – I am tired 1/4

Today I woke up tired.

My body and my mind are just plain old tired.

Typically I would try to fight this feeling. Believing that I need to have some crazy exuberant zest for life every minute of the day.

I used drugs and alcohol for that very reason. I could not accept the different states of my human being.

When I was to hyper I took something to calm me. When I needed to get things done I took things to increase my energy times a thousand.

Today I am tired, and it is ok. I am actually going to try and enjoy the calm that’s in my system. I am not going to judge myself and say – you should feel a different way today Danielle.

Accepting me…tired me, just for today.

Judgement: a waste of time 1/3

I believe that I only have a certain amount of time on this planet in this physical body. So when I figure something out and realize it is actually wasting my time…I am compelled to change it.

Now judgement. I know in my heart that it really is not my place not to judge anybody. Spiritually and in the realm of kindness I get it.

However today…one of the lessons that logically told me it is a waste of time came through.

A man by the name of David Hawkins stated : “Judgement is like trying to measure water with a ruler. You are using the wrong instrument to apply to the human life.

He went on to explain that we have no way of knowing the infinite number of events that have occurred to bring even a spec of dust to this moment in time. Never mind the events that have occurred in one persons life or life times.

I get it! I have no idea where anybody is truly coming from. I have no idea what anybody has gone through, been through, felt, seen, lost, loved, experienced – I know nothing.

Today I am still trying to figure out my own behaviors and the roots of those. How am I to judge another?

I am not. I cannot possibly. Not correctly anyways….and I hate being wrong. ha ha!!!

Path of least Resistance 1/2

Spiritual teacher Abraham Hicks speaks of choosing the path of least resistance in our every day lives. She expresses that if I continue to take the path of least resistance, the one that feels the best to me…then it all adds up to the most joyful journey possible.

When I was in active addiction, I only knew how to take substances that would lessen my resistance. I was a walking ball of static,tension and worry. There was no harmony until I put the substance in my physical system. This calmed the mind and allowed some satisfaction.

But then…it stopped working. The drugs the booze became a nightmare. The levels of darkness that I reached I shall not revisit today.

Today I am learning HOW to choose the path of least resistance without the chemicals. To make the decisions based on what feels best in my heart.

NOT what will please others. But what will add some positive momentum to my day. If it means not going to a family gathering then that’s just fine. If it means laying on the couch, taking a walk or not using my cell phone (the hell phone) for a bit then that is what shall be for me.

If I happen to piss someone off…oh well. It’s not my intention. But as my friend Bootsie often states “It’s always better to give a resentment than to get one.” Ha ha!!

But what I am finding more and more, that when I am listening to my true self and choosing this path, nobody is upset about it. I actually become more inspired sometimes to play with the others and do nice things for people. I am happier and wish to share it.

I am learning to listen to myself – the one that is kind- my spirit.

Calling for help 1/1

A woman named Gina was sharing on a recovery zoom meeting last night. Her face was blocked out but you could hear her crying. She was 6 months sober but she did something that she was ashamed of. Gina reached out to her dealer….just to say hi.

Well, we know that it was the prelude of other encounters to come. It was a set up. The disease in her mind told her it was ok to just say “hi” to the dealer. At least she was telling on herself at the meeting. She has a chance to shed some light on the dark, cunning disease.

What I heard her say during her share was that she had only been talking to one other person in recovery that was clean. Her network was very small. Non existent really. She said she had other recovering women’s phone numbers but she never used them and now it was very uncomfortable to call.

I could not be clean today without the other recovering addicts in my life. When you are new in recovery (say 6 months like Gina) you think that your ass will never be on fire….until it is.

As I was taught “You cannot save your face and your ass at the same time.”

I had to make those uncomfortable phone calls. I had to ask for help. I still do to this day and I will until I am floating around as an angel in the sky.

I think gods grace showed me how to level my pride. To become vulnerable and to allow others to work their magic in my life. Which in turn also helps them.

Brave hearts 12/31

Dear fellow bloggers and readers,

This will post on New Years Eve and I cannot help but be a bit nostalgic.

I honestly started this blog because I was bored one weekend at the end of May. It was a holiday weekend in the states and it had rained for three days straight. I could not go out and play in the woods or at the ocean…I was stuck inside.

By the third day on the couch, something inside said you should write. I have never had any aspirations to be a writer and I really do not try to be anything fancy. I try to put the words together to explain my feelings on my personal experiences.

This blog has changed me from the inside out. I have told my truth and you all have read, listened and commented.

I forget that some of my family and friends read this as well. So it’s like they have a way of knowing what is going on with me. I will run into them or I will receive a text and they will say “hey everything alright?” or “sorry about Pickles your cat, I hope he feels better.”

And then….the brave hearts and souls that I have met on this platform…I simply had no idea. I had no idea of the impact that you would all bring to my life.

The constant encouragement, thoughts and well wishes transforms my spirit. Even the ones that disagree but speak their mind are just so damn beautiful!

So on this last day of 2021 – thank YOU ALL! My life is in a better place because of all of you.

Sincerely,

Danielle

The Man in the Arena -by Theodore Roosevelt

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;

who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions;

who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,

and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,

so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

-Theodore Roosevelt

Calm in the Storm 12/29

The other night my son and his father, my x-husband, got into a very horrible fight. My son 19 and his father 47 threw fists, had a battle while I was on the phone listening to it all.

Truth is both wanted to be heard. Both wanted to be right. Both wanted respect and love. Neither one was giving in to the others demands.

Fortunately, I have a friend who lives just a few houses away. I called and asked him to go get my son and he did. My son was safe and in good hands.

My x-husband was yelling and ranting on the phone to me about the whole situation. Blaming me, blaming my son Tyler, blaming the world. I heard such upset in his voice. It sounded like he wanted to or needed to just cry. The lump in his throat was the size of a bowling ball.

Typically, myself in this situation would have reacted in such a panicked, fear driven way that ANYONE dare touch my son….there would have been some type of retaliation on my part. But I did not. I did not even raise my voice.

And this is the honest to god’s truth…I felt bad for my x-husband. I felt love and compassion. It is like what Jesus said when he was on the cross “Forgive them father for they know not what they do.”

His father does not know how to show his love. And he does not know how to connect peacefully with his son. He LOVES his son. It is just not something he knows how to do. I felt a feeling for my x-husband that was not rotten for the first time in over 10 years.

This must be unconditional love.

Blame…don’t bother 12/28

The concept of blame, or giving credit to another for hurting me, betraying me or lying to me has been transforming in my heart these days.

As an addict in recovery I am constantly evolving and changing. I find at different points in my recovery I become uncomfortable and I need to address the roots and causes so I can find relief.

My relief has to come from spiritual guidance now as opposed to drugs and booze.

Blame is no longer something that is acceptable in my heart and soul.

I have come to this comforting understanding. I have had experiences with people, some that may have not felt good, some that have been down right painful. But blame? No….blame does nothing for my soul.

If I was able to give the credit for all of the pain to someone then “they” would have to have all the credit in being able to heal that pain as well. And that is simply not true.

“I am the captain of my soul” – Invictus

Even if the person who “wronged” me came and apologized a million times, they are not capable of fixing me. I am the one, along with god, spirit and grace that will heal those wounds.

Today is a new day with new understanding. Thank you god.

When I was broke 12/27

Broken? No broke. Back in 2010 when I was new in recovery, I was freshly divorced and living in a house that I had no clue how to take care of.

Truth is I was just learning how to properly care for myself. Learning how to eat well, showering regularly, trying to sleep and creating healthy routines. And now a house and a yard?

To me the bills all got paid by the money fairy and I never questioned it. Until…one day when my son had one of his friends over and the unthinkable happened.

The power was shut off!! No lights, no tv, no video games for the kiddies. I was so embarrassed!! The shame!! Were the neighbors looking?? Could they see that I had no idea how to be an adult?!!?.

I frantically called the power company and paid them. The lights came on and the boys cheered.

Lesson learned.

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