It feels as if life is constantly putting some type of squeeze on me that forces change.
I woke up this morning with a realization that it is possibly god…the universe and its energy in a constant state of forward motion leading me to it.
Putting the “squeeze” on me to become more….. by relying on it’s energy more and more.
These days the minute I use my own self will for something I can feel it and it needs to be remedied, corrected or set right.
I remember learning about a certain lobster that sheds its whole shell and is left with a soft vulnerable shell afterwards. The new shell eventually becomes hardened but it will then grow out of that one too.
Rather than me trying to fit in the old life, gods energy sheds it for me and leaves me wide open to the new.
Such a funny thing. When I was early in my recovery I believe I was seeking attention from others, especially the opposite sex. (sometimes I can still fall into that trap)
The drugs and booze were gone so my ego was desperately seeking to fill itself with something else.
Even though I understand it now, I do remember how lonely and empty I could feel at any given moment. If someone didn’t text me, call me, send me flowers…make a huge deal about my existence…I felt horrible.
Today when I stay in my recovery and I focus on the reasons behind that self centered behavior…then I have a chance to change it and experience freedom.
However, If I am busy looking at others and wondering why they are behaving in a manner that does not please me…I am stuck. And I suffer.
The power and freedom are all within myself. I seek god for the willingness to change and I seek the power of recovery for the courage to do so.
I read a powerful statement in a piece of recovery literature this weekend.
It said: “We don’t think our way into a new way of living, we live our way into a new way of thinking.”
I have learned addiction is a 3 fold disease…the physical, mental and spiritual. For me the physical was the easiest to remedy. The spirit was always with me. So the mental part…. the MIND… is and will forever be the one that I need to constantly be aware of.
The mental part of the disease is sneaky, manipulative, unkind, and wants me dead. It will tell me it’s ok to just have one, it will start to attack others in recovery so that I feel superior and then I lose solid people in my life.
The mind is patient and relentless.
Knowing all of this…the statement of living my way into a new way thinking has been very imperative.
When I got clean 12 years ago…I had to change 1 thing….everything.
This meant surrounding myself with people who had previously used drugs and alcohol and were able to stop. Not just stop….but stayed stopped.
I had to walk the walk that the people who were in recovery did. God put some amazing recovering souls on my path for kind and loving guidance.
I am so grateful to have followed those foot steps into my own beautiful recovery.
Today there are many options in the United States for the alcoholic and addict to “go get well.”My experience is this:
I personally went to 2 detoxes and one 28 day rehab.
The first detox I went to was very similar to a prison. I don’t remember much other than we wore orange jump suits and it was very dirty. The woman were very rough and I almost got killed for using someone’s pen.
The second detox was a few years later and I remember nothing except a nice lady letting me know I needed further treatment.
In both detox’s I was heavily medicated. This was to prevent an alcoholic seizure. I could not learn anything…I was just safely getting the substances out of my system without dying.
The rehab was where I started to clear up and I was able to understand the mess that I was actually in.
It took about 2 weeks to feel sort of normal. I was being fed regularly, showering, taking wellness classes, being driven to meetings and even a gym.
I was separated from my son which was devastating but necessary. I was away from all of my nonsensical friends and distractions. People that I drank with and got drugs from I was no longer in contact with.
I also learned NOT to contact these people when I came out of the rehab. (this and many other things saved my life)
To safely detox and then land in a 28 day treatment facility was my path. To be separated and plucked from my intoxicated way of life actually gave me a chance to survive in the outside world.
This was not easy but god and it’s grace have been with me every step of the way.