I took it personally 4/22

Wednesday was a rough day with the boys that I nanny for. I was anxious at the beginning of the week because it was school vacation…Monday and Tuesday went well but then Wednesday….(cue scary music).

George was in a horrible mood and was just so unkind…and unexplainably angry.

I walked into him behaving this way. It was nothing that I could have done but yet… I took it personally.

I got very sad on the inside…I wanted to leave and go home. I didn’t want to deal with it.

The parents work from home…but they were working and were unable to help. They shut the doors to their bedrooms and gave George his ipad so he would be quiet.

Clay and I did the best we could to distract ourselves…we played hockey in the garage…connect four…but it was just this pit in my stomach that wouldn’t go away.

I started to get angry with George for his behavior.

And then…I was angry with myself.

I must see things in George that I am afraid of for myself.

He loves to be in control…and so do I. He loves to be the boss…and I guess I do too.

He is under a tremendous amount of pressure for his age. He is 7 and the family has sincere hopes and dreams for him to make it to the NHL.

His outlet is hockey but it’s also his stressor. His outlet is smushing Clay down and anyone he can pronounce he is better than…including me.

He eventually got out the mood…but it felt like hell on earth for me.

I had a bad day…they are not all like this…but when they are…I want to hide away.

The unknown 4/21

Some pretty big changes will be happening in the near future regarding the boys I nanny for.

George is already in school full days…but come September Clay will get on the bus and go off to Kindergarten.

The family will not need me as the nanny anymore. And my life will change.

Today I have a trust that what ever new family I work with…will be exactly what it’s supposed to be.

It got me thinking about the unknown.

My brain is trying to prepare me for a few months from now…and its a little uneasy because it is the unknown…which can you really prepare for?

How will I really feel when Clay and I are not hiking and fishing or having our meaningful talks where I KNOW god is present?

And then I thought…I am not even sure of how TODAY will even play out. Today is just as unknown as a few months from now.

Time to get in the day. Really in it.

I am Overthinking 4/20

This week the boys I nanny for have school vacation. Which means for me I have both George (7) and Clay (5) full days.

It is nothing that I am not used to but it can get a bit tricky when they get on each others nerves, want to kill each other and cannot agree on what to do for an activity.

This has led me to overthinking everything. I like to plan things but I try to be flexible in regarding the outcome.

However, I am waking up thinking and thinking and more thinking of…ok we can do this…but if George doesn’t want to do this…then we can do that…and don’t forget to listen to what Clay might need because he is overpowered by George…yaddah yaddah yaddah.

My brain has been relentless and I am not at ease.

I just want to shhhhhhh myself.

I have to ask what is my fear here? Because I know through experience that when I am overthinking…I am afraid of something.

Well there are a few fears here. I first want the boys injury free…and that is not always easy to manage. I then want them to have fun but am I really in control of their moods…?

Everything appears to be happening in my head.

I think I will just shoosh myself and jump off the ride as best I can.

The seeker 4/19

Ahhhh…the seeker. Who is the seeker? What have I been seeking?

I have traveled to the Holy Land (Israel), I have read many books, listened to endless amounts of spiritual teachers including the Dali Lama.

I have been curious about all the different religions and ways of life. Buddhism, Confucianism, Hinduism, Catholicism, Judaism and looked into Islam.

I have studied a bit of the Tao da Ching, the Course in Miracles…and so on.

What have I been looking for?

My answer is a connection with myself.

A true connection to me that allows me to be free on this earth.

I am not the seeker.

There is something inside of me that watches and witnesses the seeker…that is my soul…that is my true place.

Dorothy said it best in the Wizard of Oz : “If I ever go looking for my hearts desire again, I won’t look any further than my own backyard; because if it isn’t there then I never really lost it to begin with.”

It’s all important 4/18

My friend Gerry Palermo deacongerrypalermo. a fellow blogger commented on a post and said “You do important work!”

I am a nanny. I have been caring for Clay (5) and George (7) for the last two years.

When Gerry left that comment it hit me in a backwards kind of way. I don’t always feel the importance of my role…but I commonly feel just how important these two boys have been in my life.

The boys have taught me to slow down and listen to them.

I am able to acknowledge what they need and what they want as important.

To some people things like learning how to cast a fishing pole or trading pokemon cards might seem unimportant.

But to these boys right now…it’s everything.

So for me to see that…yes it’s important…because I have been blessed with a childlike mentality.

I have been given a second chance at life…to live again…clean and in recovery.

It’s all important – thank you so much Gerry!

Seasonal Triggers 4/17

Triggers for an addict are a very real thing. I remember hearing about them in early recovery, but it was not until I experienced them that I truly understood the impact.

For me the Spring time brings back many unhealthy memories. Certain smells, the moisture in the air…it is hard to describe but I labeled it seasonal. (I am not sure if the medical profession has a name for it yet)

This is the time of year when I was at my bottom and trying desperately to keep it together.

This is also the time of year where I hit the bottom… surrendered…and started to rise.

I don’t think you have to be an addict to experience these triggers. I believe if anything traumatic has happened in our lives that our survival instincts -our senses are to remember what was happening at the time – and to protect.

Our senses are so powerful. And when associated with a traumatic experience…can be very confusing to say the least.

I did not understand these triggers myself until I got into recovery and others started to share with me that this also happens to them.

So this is why I am sharing today.

Nobody is alone here.

Don’t share that! 4/16

The magic of recovery is when I am able to forget myself. When that happens truth comes and I actually end up learning more about myself.

It’s ironic. Forget about me to learn about me…

Let me explain.

When I am asked to share at a meeting I have to lose my ego so god or a higher energy can come through.

When I am in tune with this energy the truth comes.

So when I shared at a meeting the other night all sorts of truth came out about my childhood. The lies the deception, the cheating father the mother who tried to pretend it wasn’t all happening.

My family looked good on the outside but was a wreck on the inside. I was taught early on not share about the happenings behind closed doors. It was our family business…and nobody else’s.

This was a form of suppressing my feelings as a child. SO when alcohol/drugs entered the picture it made sense for me to want to suppress…and ignore all that I was experiencing.

I understand today that my parents did the best they could with what they knew.

And I also understand today the freedom that the truth brings.

Recovery has shown me it is perfectly ok to be me….no hiding or deception necessary.

A god filled day 4/15

I was asked about a week ago to share at a recovery meeting in the next town over. The meeting starts at 8pm and that is pretty late for my liking.

But I said yes anyways and then I tried to forget about it so I wouldn’t be nervous and overthink everything.

So the day comes and it was one of the fullest days I have had in a long time.

The run down was this: Up at 6:00am on the beach for 7am for a walk with god. Then home to shower, drive to pick up Clay from pre-school and off to have lunch and a hike around Bare Cove (it’s beautiful we could spend days there.) Then by 3:30pm grab George off the bus and play soccer and a multitude of other games with him and the neighborhood kids. I leave the boys and hop in my car around 5ish. I am then off to walk Dolly the dog. After walking Dolly and loving her up I run in the house change clothes eat something and drive to meet Bootise a few minutes from the meeting. While driving to meet Bootsie a song comes on the radio “Time of your life” by Greenday – I cry as I hear the lyrics I see a hawk fly in front of my car and the pink sunset. I pick up Bootsie and then safely land at the meeting share a message and hear others and then I am home by 10:00pm.

Why am I writing all of this…well for me it’s about grace and gratitude.

I once could not get off my couch to get my own son off the bus due to my addiction.

And then while in recovery I suffered a very intense back injury which I can say today I am pain free of.

Healing and miracles are present in my life today.

Gods been with me every step…in the pain and in the joy.

This is just my way of acknowledging and saying thank you.

True Love 4/14

This is a photo of the 5 year boy, Clayton that I nanny for. He is handing me my favorite color flower…purple.

This picture was taken 1 day after he and I had a very important discussion in the car on the way to hockey.

Clayton and I have been coming up with a lot of “would you rather” questions. Like: “Would you rather eat a pile of worms or get stung by a bee 5 times?”

Typically the more disgusting the better in his mind and we both get a good laugh.

Well the day before the photo Clayton says to me “Danielle I have a really tough would you rather question.” And again he makes it known it will be one of the most difficult questions yet.

So of course I am all over it. “Ok bud what is it?”

He says “Would you rather have purple flowers every day for the rest of your life….or…marry me?”

I told him it was no contest at all and I would gladly marry him!!

I am truly blessed.

I’m painting! 4/13

I keep experiencing that this life has so much to offer. A shift of focus over here…and another shift of focus over there…and boom I am painting.

Being in recovery has paved the way for me to be open to learning. Learning things about myself and being receptive to allow the new things to make their way into my life.

The most important thing is having the courage to try. I have learned that “mistakes” are not really anything but guidance along the path.

So on an inspired whim…I decided to paint my coffee table. It is very old and inexpensive and if I messed up I could paint over it.

I loved the experience of it all. I got lost in it while I listened to music.

My cat Eve only stepped in the paint once and learned right quick she did not like it.

I painted what I love. And I am happy with what came out.