The “Get Well” job 6/13

“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny” C.S. Lewis

When I came out of rehab in 2010, it was all I could do to get up everyday and get to a meeting and not pick up a substance. Then after about 2 – 3 months I was ready for what they call a “get well” job.

I had not had a job or been an employable person for years. A lot of addicts are coming out of jails and institutions and we need some type of easy introduction back into the work force with the other functioning humans.

These “get well” jobs are usually the local coffee shop, a restaurant, some type of manual labor like landscaping or cleaning houses. Jobs that give you a reason to get up in the morning, a little bit of structure to your day and give you a little bit of money in your pocket. You start to feel human again.

My get well job…….drum roll please….. was at a Pet Cemetery!!! I thought I had it made. The owner of the place was also in recovery and he said I could still make my morning meeting and then come to work. I was still able to get my child on and off the bus for school so I was psyched!!

I look back now and all I can do is laugh and thank god I made it through. There was Jerry the grave digger who lived in his car, Frank the man who transported all of the animals to the facility and another lady who was also an addict but had not yet found recovery.

The whole experience of early recovery is amazing. I truly had no idea who I was or even what I preferred at the time. I was brand new discovering a drug free me. I love animals so much that today I could not step foot at a pet cemetery never mind work at one. The poor grieving people who were saying goodbye to their pets…I can’t!

I stayed at that job for about 6 months and then one day I said “that’s enough for me.” I then went to work with children at an after school program and that job led me to some very amazing and rewarding experiences. I found joy in the children and that started to feed the joy within me. I was able to play and have fun and LAUGH!!

God guided me once again. I had to experience what I did not like to learn what I did like and what was more in alignment with my spirit. I went from the dead and the grieving to the living and the joyful!

All of these experiences I have been able to find useful. As long as I stay clean through it – I can appreciate it and learn from it. And then the best is to be able to appreciate it, learn from it and then laugh at it 🙂

Drinking Dreams 6/12

“Listen for Gods voice in everything you do and everywhere you go. He is the one that will keep you on track.” – Proverbs 3:6

Even though I have not had a drink/drug in over 11 years I still have these horrifying dreams that I have used! I actually had one of these last night.

The feeling of taking the drink or pill or whatever it is in the dream is not the nightmare part of the dream. The nightmare is the obsession, or that beast that is awakened within me. It is the chase of the next one and how the hell am I going to hide what I have done from the world! That is the true nightmare.

I get these dreams often, probably once every 2-3 months. Sad thing is that I don’t even enjoy drinking in the dream. I don’t get a great “high” feeling. I get an immediate sense of “how am I getting another one” and “I hope to god nobody finds out”.

I have had dreams where I am in a meeting, everyone around me has no idea that I have used the night before and I have a gut wrenching feeling because I know that I used and I am not going to be honest about it. In my dream I sit in that meeting full of anxiety, fear, disappointment and fear of what my life is to become because I took that first one.

The important thing for me with these dreams are the feelings I get from them. First is relief when I wake up! I realize I am ok and it was just a dream. Then I am reminded of just how awful I would feel if I picked up a substance. For me that is a gift of guidance.

I know people who actually have had to go out and experience those feelings in real life. God gives it to me in a dream, a friendly reminder that no drink or drug is worth giving up what I have become today.

The others 6/11

The cast of characters that I have met over the years in recovery is incredible.

While I was in rehab they said “as soon as you get out of here go to a recovery meeting and go EVERYDAY”. So because I wanted to live, that is what I did. I was FULL of judgement, fear and major insecurities. When I was in the rehab I was in a nice comfortable bubble with all my new found friends, yoga classes and a van that magically took us to the meetings. We called that van the “druggy buggy”.

But then they turned me loose. I showed up for meetings as instructed, and I even raised my hand and introduced myself as new -also as instructed. I won’t lie – it sucked, but again I was saving my life. The people at the meetings said “keep coming”, “more will be revealed” and “even if you don’t believe we believe”. HUH???

Honestly, it was so painfully uncomfortable and all I wanted to do was to feel better. I was afraid to get up and go the bathroom, the walk was to long and I was sure everyone was watching me. They had people read readings and passages from books and I hated to read out loud. My hands would shake and my voice would tremble.

There were all walks of life at these meetings. They say from “Yale to jail” and nothing could be more true. Everyone was welcome, even if they were high they were welcomed. I judged so many people back during those times. My closest friends in recovery today are people god put there, not me.

I remember being at one of my first meetings and this man would not sit still. He was over friendly, silly and when he spoke he sounded like someone stuck in the 70’s -saying things like “buck wild” and “feeling the vibes”. I surely concluded this man was high and I was not going anywhere near him.

About a week later I was at a recovery convention. That same man that I thought was high was a guest speaker!! He had 20 years clean. He ended up becoming one of my greatest confidants in recovery. He is always there and he puts recovery first in his life.

I have been blessed over the years to get to know some fantastic people. People come and go in recovery, its hard but its true. Sometimes we know what happens to them and sometimes we don’t. I am grateful for the consistent companions that I have in recovery today. These are the people who “stick and stay”. They go to meetings to help others and themselves to get one more day clean.

Nobody said it was going to be easy…but IT IS COMPLETELY WORTH IT!!

Courage -6/10

“WHEN GODS WARRIORS GO DOWN ON THEIR KNEES, THE BATTLE IS NOT OVER – IT HAS JUST BEGUN.”

Coming into recovery means learning how to live along spiritual guidelines and practice spiritual principles on a daily basis. The two extreme differences of active addiction and recovery are so amazing to me. In active addiction we are some of the BEST liars, crafty manipulators and we are self centered to the core. In recovery however we are to learn how to become “god centered”, honest, kind, giving, understanding, non judgemental, compassionate and courageous.

This transformation does not happen over night but little by slow, we learn. We watch others who have gone before us and we start shifting our cunning and deceitful ways to something more pure of heart. We start to feel and get in touch with our spirit.

Courage is a spiritual principle that I believe goes hand and hand with being vulnerable. To the addict just coming in letting your guard down and trusting another seems weak NOT courageous. But depending how badly beaten up the individual, they will do anything to save their life. Even if that means trusting a complete stranger in recovery with their own personal truth.

It takes courage to say ” I need help” to say “I have a problem”. It takes courage to say ” I don’t feel good” to say ” I am sad”. It takes courage to say “I don’t know” or ” I am so sorry”.

It also takes courage to say “I love you” , ” I am here for you”, “I got you”, ” Me too!” , “It’s alright”, “I’m listening”, “you mean a lot to me” “I forgive you” and my favorite is “thank you”.

Strength and courage come from a force greater than me. When I tap into that source of goodness it feels right within me. God was with me that day that I saw my son in pain due to my addiction…and he gave me the courage to say “ENOUGH!”

Thank you God

Laughter heals 6/9

“Laughter boosts the immune system and helps the body fight disease. Being happy is the best cure of all diseases.” – Patch Adams

I will never forget the first belly laugh that I had when coming out of active addiction. I was fortunate enough to start clearing up in a very nice rehabilitation center. Surrounded by the wounded just like me. I was sitting smoking cigarettes outside and we all started to converse and connect.

I started sharing about how I would visit different liquor stores on different days so the package store people wouldn’t think I was drinking every day. I talked about how I would pretend to be buying wine for company. I would try to fool the liquor store clerks because I didn’t want them to know that I had a problem. However, I would then take that booze home, get fallen down drunk in front of my child and husband at the time -and I cared what the liquor store people thought of me ????How absurd!!

And then it happened someone else said “me too” and the belly laugh of a lifetime was let out! I laughed until I cried. It felt like years since I had experienced a true joyful emotion. Truthfully it had been years. I was so busy trying to numb the bad feelings with booze and drugs that I also numbed the wonderful emotions as well. I had not felt a true emotion in YEARS. That is why when we come into recovery, we are like super sensitive newborns. Everything IS new because we have been in such a fog for so long.

In one of the recovery fellowships they speak of a rule # 62 which is “don’t take yourself to seriously.” I love that. It speaks to me today of a freedom.

Today I laugh often, at myself and with others. I don’t have to pretend to be anything I am not. I am free to be me. Society/social media is wonderful at a painting a picture that we should have it ALL together. Well I don’t have it ALL together but I don’t need it to be. More importantly I don’t have to pretend that it is – especially not to the liquor store clerk!

You get what you give…but don’t give to get 6/8

“The therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel”

If you have never been in the throws of active addiction I can only compare it to a type of war, with constant and daily losing battles. You are trapped in a world where you believe the chemical substance is the one thing that is holding you together. It is the only thing where you are finding relief and the only thing that you MUST have at all costs.

We come into recovery beaten up beyond belief, never mind what we did to the people that trusted and loved us. We are physically, mentally and spiritually depleted. Most of us are half dead in some way shape or form. We have lost ourselves completely and any connection to other humans seems very foreign.

Until…you meet another at a recovery meeting or a rehab…who says “yeah me too.” Your heart starts to open and there is the first sign of hope that you just might be able to live through the day without a substance. You might be able to live through the day without beating yourself up in a fashion that only we can do.

As an addict in recovery, we freely give to others what was freely given to us. This gift is another addict sharing with me the horrors of their active addiction AND how they got out of that pure hell on earth. How they remained clean for one day and how they handle situations without picking up a substance. That is what I call grace.

The amazing thing is when we share with others and not expect anything in return we start to become the true spiritual beings that we are meant to be.

It is truly a miracle to witness someone who was once a liar, cheat and a thief to start giving of themselves without looking for anything in return.

If you are an addict in recovery or you know of one – you are witnessing a miracle! Yahooo!

Where is God -6/7

I owe my days clean to a higher power and the people in recovery who guided me into finding this god of my OWN understanding. Not their understanding…but mine.

It is known in recovery that you cannot stop using drugs and alcohol on your own. We try to stop, it is crazy to others that we can’t or they think that we just won’t. Truly I am here to clarify we cannot stop on our own accord. Some greater higher power has got to be let in and sought after for help. That is what is soooo amazing about this disease. If I don’t turn to god – I’m dead.

There needs to be some type of surrender or turning your will over to a higher power. You can call it god you can call it a source, a force of energy – you can call it whatever you want but it is suggested that you call on it everyday.

I read in an article when I was in rehab the quote that saved my life: “I have a disease that has a spiritual solution.” As foggy as I was I knew in that moment the reason why I ended up there, the reason why I was an addict had something to do with GOD. Crazy! It’s not a “religious” solution its a spiritual solution. And the journey to get in touch with that God began.

These are a few places I find god:

I saw god in a puppy named Luna the other day on my morning walk. This tiny havanese brown and white pup just poured love all over me like I can’t even explain. That’s god.

I saw god this winter while outside after it snowed; the deer tracks were fresh, the air was indescribable and the silence was not silence. That’s god.

I was at a recovery meeting last night, a teenage boy was dope sick – he was sweating and pale, thin as thin can be. His dad was a speaker at the meeting. They gave each other a look across the room, a nod in which they checked in with each other. That’s god.

I don’t want to drink or use a drug today. That’s god.

shame and judgment -6/6

“for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” Shakespere

Having done some unspeakable things (or so I thought) while I was in active addiction I have dealt with feelings of shame and judgement. The hebrew origin of my name Danielle-Daniel means “god is my judge”. I like that and that rings true to me. I believe everything serves a purpose for the greater good whether I know what that good is or not at the time. I believe and have a trust today that everything serves a purpose. Or as my dad would say “there’s an ass for every seat.”

When I started to understand the reasons why people (myself included) do the things they do…then I became truly free. Any horrible action that I have ever taken has been based on one thing….FEAR. Fear to me is summoned up in two ways: 1) I am afraid I will lose something I have. – this can be why you lie to someone, hide your real feelings, try to manipulate or control situations, “pretend” so you do not lose the illusion of “respect”

2) I am afraid I will not get what I want. – this can be where feelings of powerlessness, need, insecurity, instability & inner turmoil lead us to unspiritual actions as well. Some people resort to physically trying to take what they want.

Seeking approval from others has been one of my biggest reasons for living with fear. It was not until I was able to be honest with myself and others that the shame and judgement went to its proper place… a distant emotion.

Because today I understand my own horrible actions were based out of fear I can now look at others and understand why they do what they do. It frees me to be truly happy, which is ultimately what I am here to be. I am not wrapped up in judging others or myself. If and when I make a mistake today I can own it and be ok with it. And if and when someone may not treat me as I would prefer…that’s ok too…even if they don’t own it. That’s freedom!!

I need to write this : If you hear nothing else today please know – no matter what you have done and no matter what has been done to you there is no shame in learning from it, forgiving it and moving forward. Let the shame and judgment go…we are ALL humans who do shitty things. Who am I or you to be so hard on yourself or others. I am here to learn from you. And if you have participated in an act that you cannot or will not forgive yourself for…I am here to say today I forgive it, I don’t judge it and I hope you do the same for others in your life 🙂

BE FREE!!

“Embrace the Suck” aka -acceptance-6/5

“what you resist persists “ – Carl Jung

Before I can change anything I have to be willing to accept it. I had to accept the fact that I was an alcoholic/drug addict before I could actually do something about it. They say “surrender to win” and Dr. Phil says “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” Acceptance is the first step or the foundation for real change. Sounds counter intuitive but I get it now.

At first I really did not understand what exactly it was I had to accept or why I had to accept anything at all. My former belief system taught me if I did not like something than I should just muscle my way through and fix it, change it or manipulate it to “my” liking. This was before I realized that there are many things in this life that happen that are out of my control. (and thank god for that!)

Rather than a perspective of acceptance I had a very controlling type of mentality. This was a challenge and somedays I still need to be reminded to accept the things that I cannot change. No matter how hard I try, threaten, beg, plead or cry I cannot change another person. I might alter their behavior for a short time…but that is not change and more importantly that is not MY place in this life.

I used to fear if I accepted something that I did not like that it meant I was weak in some way. But in all actuality what I was really doing was resisting what is and causing stress in my own life. I was resisting people, places and situations in my life that I found unacceptable, which in turn caused more stress on me and no changes at all.

Today when I get the feeling that something is unacceptable to me…I feel it physically and I try to catch it early. I try to soothe my mind because I know it is my EGO that is telling me that things are not the way they should be because I would have done it differently. I say things like “everything changes and this eventually will too.” I also try to laugh at myself because I obviously know better than all the universal forces, higher energies and GOD of course!

I will also picture myself in a row boat…and if the thoughts I am thinking are heading me upstream it’s a struggle and a lot of rowing. But if I am in the row boat accepting everything the way it is with a peaceful heart then “row row row your boat gently down the stream; merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream.” Acceptance is a much easier route!

Seeking relief 6/4

I am not sure if this applies to people without addiction issues because I only know for myself…I have always been one who is seeking some sort of relief. I think I just never felt “good enough” so naturally when I picked up a substance it made perfect sense. Feeling good feels good and I went to great lengths to feel wonderful.

I do not like nor enjoy feeling uncomfortable. The insecure, unworthy, negative anxious feelings that used to be a part of my every day living…became unbearable. I HAD to feel better at all costs….the cost of my family being torn apart, the cost of my dignity and freedom, the cost of my son seeing me sick and stumbling on my front lawn. I did not care in the moment because life and those “feelings” were to much to handle. Fix it! Give me a fix! Numb my knowledge that something is not quite right in the world. Especially in my world.

The constant comparing of myself to others…and falling short in my mind. Torture!! Then when I finally put all substances down and those horrid feelings still remained – where the F*** was I to find relief??? Well, it happened slowly but it did happen.

The first sign of relief for me was when I was able to share HONESTLY with other addicts what exactly I had been doing. I shared honestly and those people did not judge…they said me too!I was shocked that I was not the devil reincarnated and that there were others just like me. They shared with me their insanity and we were able to laugh and cry together. Free as our true selves!!

There is a level of pride and ego that has to be transcended to get honest. But once I did that the darkness turned to light. I realized I am not the only one and I am not as bad as I think I am.

Speaking honestly has now become a habit of relief for me…I do not need to pick up a drug, sometimes I just need to pick up the phone. I have a handful of people that I trust completely. When I share my insane thoughts today and they laugh or cry with me…it’s pure relief! It feels good 🙂