Standing still in the storm 12/18

Storms come – they just do.

Life can get pretty messy, scary and uncomfortable.

These are things that I avoided as best I could by using substances that numbed me.

When those things stopped working – I was left with me.

I was either going to tap into a greater source of power within me – or I was going to use and die.

I have learned two great lessons in recovery.

The first one being…I cannot (I can) but I should not – jump into another persons storm. If I do – I run the risk of becoming part of the storm itself. I will get confused, messy and lost. I will lose my ability to see clearly.

This is very difficult when the person is so close to me.

The next lesson I have learned is the power in standing still while I am in the storm.

When I stay still…I allow the storm to pass through.

When I am still… I do not expend all sorts of energy trying to fight it – in turn making the storm even more messy…I don’t use unnecessary force.

The power is in allowing it to pass…and trusting that it will…because more than likely another one is on its way! ha!

Mugs not Drugs 12/17

“She confidently trusts the Lord to take care of her.”
Psalm 112:7

Friday night after work…I went Christmas shopping.

I was tired but I definitely needed to get some things done.

I found this mug – and instantly that calm that I LOVE came over me.

It’s the relief that I once used drugs for.

There were only 2 left so I bought one for me and one for my mom.

A gift from above – for her and I.

And this mug I just LOVE. I bought it at a church – and the energy from it makes me smile every time I look at it.

I am not sure who knitted this beautiful thing…but it’s my favorite Christmas find so far!!

Try everything 12/16

“Birds don’t just fly – they fall down and get up – nobody learns without getting it wrong.” –Shakira song ‘Try Everything‘

Driving in my car the other day with my 3 year old charge Madeline – this song came on the radio…and it just lit up my soul…hers too.

If you have a chance to listen…it is well worth it.

I needed to hear that I can still make mistakes and I can still get up and try again.

Not just try again…but try “everything”.

I want to try things that I have never tried before…even if I fail.

If I try them – then there really is no failure…because I tried something. I gave myself an opportunity to have an experience.

Even it didn’t go the way “I” would have wanted it to…I still had the experience.

That is living.

Choosing self 12/15

After decades of using drugs and alcohol to cope with “life” I had to discover the power of choosing myself…over the peanut gallery.

This meant changing the people I hung out with, the places I went to and the things that I did.

Change it all.

After making those big changes – (which were uncomfortable) then I started to understand the daily decisions that I needed to make to protect my recovery…in essence…love myself.

These decisions can be different every day.

It can be as simple as taking a nap rather than cleaning my home. The dirt is not going anywhere…and it might look better once I wake up from the nap.

The hardest decisions come when I feel I am letting another person down…but I still have to choose myself.

Without me…there is no me.

Providing warmth 12/14

Winter has arrived here and when I woke up this morning I went straight over to the heater and turned it up a few degrees.

This simple task brought me back…

First it brought me to such a place of gratitude that it is warm in my home.

Then it brought me straight back to my early recovery days.

When I woke up in recovery after many years of using and being numb…I woke up in a house – just me and my 7 year old son.

It was a 4 bedroom house…with all sorts of parts and pieces to it that I did not understand.

The heater was one of those parts.

I remember being deathly afraid my first “sober” winter that the heat was going to just shut off…

The heating system was odd and it would just randomly stop working but I had no idea why. I believe it was as simple as getting a new thermostat…but fear overtook me so I couldn’t see a simple solution.

I was not so much concerned for myself (although I hate being cold) I was concerned for my son and my “role” as his mother.

I was to keep this boy safe and warm.

I cannot express how grateful I am not to reside in that fear today…and that my home is warm not just because of the heating system.

It is safe…it is love…it is warm.

Gods grace.

Lessons from a rainbow 12/13

As of late – rainbows have been showing up all over in my experience.

I learned about the biblical meaning of the rainbow a long time ago.

In short I believe it was a promise from God to Noah after the great flood – that the storm was over and that the earth would never be flooded again.

Then there is just the beauty of the rainbow itself. When it magically appears in the sky.

You need both the light of the sun and the drops from the rain for it to occur. You need both sides of the coin so to speak.

And then…I just learned a new lesson.

I learned that every color in the rainbow is of equal value. That I am not to place more value on one particular color – they as individuals make up the whole.

One color is no greater than another.

It is the colors side by side creating the one – that give it it’s beauty.

This is life.

“Do this now…” 12/12

When I was waking up in rehab over 13 years ago – everything was new and painful.

The fog was starting to lift and the emotions were flooding in.

How did I get here? What is wrong with me? How could I have done all of these things…How could I have hurt my son so much – I loved him…I didn’t understand.

On one particular visiting day…my son came to see me…and it literally tore my heart out.

He was 7 years old and just wanted his mom…to come home.

I hugged him and let him walk out the door with my xhusband.

As I was watching him walk away…through a huge window…it took everything I had not to run to him… to go and get him…to leave where I was to be with him.

It felt so unnatural to let him leave…but one person stepped in and saved my life THAT very day.

My room mate at the rehab Heather – who had arrived only 2 weeks prior to me – also had children.

She saw me crying at the window watching my son leave…

She grabbed me and looked at me in the eyes and told me: “Danielle…do this now so you NEVER have to do it again.”

Heather is still clean to this day and because of her and so many along my path..so am I.

To my fellow warriors 12/11

On Saturday I was asked by my friend Dan to share my experience with a group of addicts who are just beginning their journey of recovery.

All I can feel right now as I am writing this…is the HUGEST sense of gratitude.

I walked into a room filled with people…just like me.

They all didn’t look like me…but they were me.

The energy in this room was MAGNIFICIENT. I felt such an aliveness that is not always there when sharing at a facility.

This group of people are special. I felt it all over.

They wanted to be there and they were sincerely interested in HOW to get out of this torturous cycle of using and suffering.

I shared something that I had never shared before with them…because they made it comfortable for me to do so.

I explained that I looked at us as all some type of warrior spirits who are given this plight/gift of addiction.

I told them that we are incredibly strong, intelligent and loving physical beings – more sensitive and intuitive than most.

That nothing will do for us…except love. But not the love of others – the love of self.

That we cannot be ANYTHING other than who we truly are…the lies of society and people pleasing just tear us apart.

That love of self is the magic of the divine…of god.

We come into battle on this earth and we either find that love of the divine within or we die.

Thank you so much to all of you fighting this fight – and reminding me how much we are all so loved.

Thinking thoughts 12/10

When I first came into recovery I learned that the disease of addiction is 3 fold. Meaning it effects the mind, the body and the spirit…

The mind seems to be the trickiest part of this trifecta.

My mind can be a master manipulator, deceitful, unkind and full of fearful thoughts.

I first learned that I do not have to “believe” every thought that I am thinking.

This was HUGE.

Then there was the question – “AM I thinking my own thoughts or are my thoughts thinking me?”

A thought will come…and if I pay attention to it…it then triggers an emotion.

If I believe the fearful thought then I am off and running down a dark alley of nasty gut wrenching emotions.

I have learned not to FIGHT the mind – “You cannot win a street fight with your mind.” -Mooji

It creates more resistance and more unpleasantness.

Allowing the mind to bring unpleasant or uncomfortable thoughts – but then not to believe them and to let them go as quickly as they come has been life changing.

It is all energy in motion…

My mind can be the playground where the fearful thoughts reside, play and grow…or I can just allow them to be temporary visitors and just pass through.

The freedom in all of it…is that it’s up to me…I do not have to be afraid of the thoughts I think anymore.