An addict having surgery 5/16

After months of abnormal uterine bleeding – I have been scheduled for a day surgery on June 7th.

It is a procedure that will help and hopefully cure the problem.

I will have to go under anesthesia which is a drug. And I possibly might have to take a pain medication for a day or two after the surgery.

I have been in recovery for almost 14 years now and I have only had to take a narcotic one time -about 4 years ago – when I was in the hospital due to a ruptured disc in my back.

So I cannot lie and say that I am not looking forward to “going under” because I am.

That addict part of me still exists.

I most certainly would not want to be awake for the procedure.

But it is a slippery slope for an addict – I need to be honest and protect my recovery all at the same time.

I have to remember that I did not intentionally get sick so I could have surgery.

Addicts in active addiction actually will break bones for pain meds.

This is far from where I am today – thank god.

More will be revealed as this surgery date approaches and most of all – a great HOPE of having my health back is over riding any fear.

A grateful apology 4/14

There have been so many changes going on in my life lately.

I have been posting about some of these changes – and so many kind and loving people respond. You all have sent me hugs, well wishes – LOVE.

Lately I have been unable to respond to the comments and the kindness.

I read them all and I feel an unbelievable connection with everyone who shares with me.

I tell my daily truth and pour my heart out – you read it and then I become connected to you.

It helps me more than I can even explain.

So the lack of me responding to peoples comments is by no means a lack of appreciation. And for that I am sorry if it felt that way to anyone.

My recent medical issues are finally coming to a head! With good news that I received today -of a surgery scheduled for June 7th.

I have had to leave my nanny position because physically I just could not do it. This also has changed my life in so many ways.

I have had to put myself first as difficult as that has always been. This has opened up a whole new door of trust between my fiance and I.

He has stepped into a place of unknown territory for me…where HE has been taking care of me.

It has been something I have avoided my whole life.

But I have surrendered and allowed a man – who loves me – to care for me – in every way possible.

This I just realized is also a form of loving myself.…allowing another to love me.

Writing these things helps me connect those most important dots –

Thank you so much to all of you who read – who comment – who love and support my crazy beautiful journey.

I will get back on track soon. But for now please know – I appreciate it all.

Mothers day 5/12

Such a hot button topic for me.

There are so many moving parts in this “title” of a day.

First – I have a mom – and for many years I wanted her to be different than who she actually was…until now.

I recently have been given the gift of dropping all of those horrible expectations and judgments in regards to my mom.

One day I heard her voice in a completely different light – and the veil of harsh judgement was lifted – and all I can see and feel for her now is pure love.

Then there is me – a mother myself.

For 7 years of my sons life I was an active addict. I did horrible things – that a good mother wouldn’t do.

I got clean when my son was in first grade.

Every mother’s day clean was a nightmare for me.

Some darkness – in the form of guilt and shame would wash over me.

I never felt worthy or good enough.

Now that I have encountered the freedom of not judging my own mother – I am learning to do this for myself as a mother too.

I believe that being close to someone – like a son – and a mother – is a gift.

There is no perfect. There are only experiences.

And when I am harsh and judge those experiences as wrong or right…I miss the whole thing.

My wish for all moms, sons and daughters today…is to be free to love one another in whatever form that looks like.

My bottom – 14 years ago 5/11

On May 23rd 2010 – I finally surrendered to the disease of addiction.

I was touched by grace – in the form of pain.

It was emotional pain and unconditional love that I had for my son.

I could no longer “be” the source of “his” pain…I saw it in his eyes.

Gods grace allowed me to surrender – and say “that’s enough Danielle.”

So this month – is sometimes tricky to navigate.

Although I got clean and the miracle occurred – I was also at my lowest form of being.

This comes back to me as well.

The insanity of it.

The smells in the air trigger the darkness somehow.

They are welcomed reminders – of where I was…and they are powerful.

Panic attack 5/10

So I had one.

It has not happened in quite some time…and I know a lot of people deal with them regularly.

Especially being an addict – I became addicted to things that helped me avoid – worry, fear, anxiety…life.

So now almost 14 years without a substance…life happens and I feel it.

Lately my body has been going through some major changes and I was given hormones to help with some abnormal bleeding I was having.

SO…could the medicine have played a part in the panic attack? I don’t rule anything out.

This time of year is also very triggering for me – I got clean this month 14 years ago – but I also experienced my bottom this time of year 14 years ago.

Here is what happened:

The day started out pretty rough for me anyways.

I was supposed to be somewhere and I physically could not go. Something was preventing me from driving…it was rainy and I was not feeling well.

My fiance comes to the rescue and we go to a breakfast place.

It’s noisy and it’s busy…he starts talking and I can feel it coming on like a weight – the darkness – the fear – the “I’m not ok” the heart racing – the “I might say something inappropriate or scream uncontrollably” feeling was there.

Panic – I’m frozen – his mouth is moving and I am trying to follow the conversation. His food is in front of him and mine is in front of me.

I know I cant even pick up a fork because my hands would be trembling and shaking so bad my cover would be blown.

I am stuck. My biggest fear on earth – being stuck.

Until I look at the man I love and I quietly whisper to him “I am having a panic attack.”

He instantly – connects with me – looks around frantically for a way out – for an exit – an escape for me.

He calms me down and tells me to breathe…He say’s “your not breathing” I nod and start to breathe.

He hands me the key to his truck…

He takes care of everything on the inside – the food – the bill – the waitress.

I go outside – I cry. I was free.

We ended up spending the day watching tv and laughing.

I am so grateful – once I would have carried that burden all alone – I would have used a pill to mask it.

Today my life is completely different.

I am so happy.

Fitting in verses Belonging 5/9

When I was a child – and even an adult I wanted to “fit in”. Or so I thought.

I just listened to a youtube talk by Brene Brown where she clarifies the difference between “belonging” and “fitting in”.

When I wanted to “fit in” I wanted to become like the others involved.

It posed the question within – who do I need to become to “fit in” with this so called group.

What group? Any group – you name it.

But when I “belong” I am myself and at home where ever I may be. Regardless of who or what is surrounding me.

I no longer need to be a chameleon – I am what I am and its just fine.

I belong here.

Yay!

Go get your ass whooped 5/8

This speech given by Theodore Roosevelt – is so truthful and inspiring.

There is something to be said for the people who are actually in the arena – trying new things, risking their comfort zone and reaching for the greatness within.

This arena can be anything that encourages stretching and testing myself.

I have found that relationships -romantic ones – family ones and friendship ones can introduce new challenges daily.

How kind can I be? How much patience and compassion can I have with myself and another?

Also – in the area of how I am spending my most important currency – MY ENERGY.

Am I willing to make a shift that is uncertain – but the reward could be great and improve my quality of life dramatically?

All of these things can lead to a big mess – but I will never know if I don’t try.

I’ll try stuff – and I’ll mis step and fall sometimes – but I know – that this great spirit of the whole – always has my back.

That’s the freedom.

Angels show up 5/7

Friday morning I with dragging feet – and a brain/disease that kept telling me I was not sick – went to the emergency room.

I did not want to do it. I did not want anyone to come with me…

I have a very stubborn “I’ll do it myself” attitude that rears it’s head in fearful situations.

When I went there I caught myself even down playing the condition to the nurses so that maybe I could just go home.

Surprisingly enough – they all made me feel comfortable that I needed to be looked at – and pretty urgently.

They brought me to a whole different wing of the hospital that was actually really nice. Everything was very clean and very private.

As I was being wheeled to my room – I saw an Angel.

My friend and neighbor Ellie was in the exam room – right next to mine!!!

I have known Ellie for years and we always connect during the summer by the pool.

She has had me in her home for hot soup on a cold day.

She is funny and she is as real as they come.

She was there for something with her stomach and we were just both so happy to see each other!!!

We were there all day together.

If I got lonely or bored I would disconnect from all the machines and go sit and chat with her.

We laughed and we complained and we were both just there…

I know god put her there for me…she was the perfect company.

When I think of how I am constantly being taken care of by god, the universe – by LOVE – I could just cry.