The daily life of an addict in recovery
Yesterday the weather was nice enough for a hike on the beach.
There is a beautiful spot near me where a strip of beach runs in between the harbor and the ocean. We call it the point.
When I reach the end of the point there are a ton of beautiful sand dunes to hide in and eat snacks.
I stumbled upon a skull of some sort? If anyone has and idea of what it might be please feel free to say so – or guess.
Here are some more pics of the skull and some of my walk.
Today I am grateful for the familiar.
I went to a recovery meeting Friday night that I haven’t been able to get to in a long time.
It felt familiarly good.
The lighting, the smells, the people.
I become at ease in this feeling. A very safe place to be.
The topic was regarding isolation and how as addicts in active addiction we were constantly alone…using drugs alone.
Even if we were amongst others we were alone in our mind…never fully present. Focusing on what we were using or how were we going to get more.
Other people just annoyingly got in our way.
So now that I am experiencing some emotional pain in this life – as I shed layers that no longer fit me…I find myself running to be among the others that know all of this. Not isolating.
I find myself not alone but just sitting with self – and listening to the others.
Connecting and feeling just fine right where I am at.
That’s grace. Thank you god
As of late I feel like I have been shedding some layers of myself – that were ready to go.
Parts of a guarded me – that now understand – I do not NEED walls or protection.
This guarded self – the fearful one – has many ideas about the way others should behave, the way I should behave, the thoughts and expectations and entitlements run all through her.
Well – as I let the guards leave their post – I am feeling the sting of emotions a little bit more I guess.
I think this must be normal. Well it’s normal for me.
Then I remembered the lobster – and what it goes through to gain a new shell.
A paragraph I found on google explains it perfectly :
“Stressed, trapped in a hard and inelastic shell, the lobster must shed it’s old shell to grow. When leaving it’s shell in the process of growth and change, it becomes highly vulnerable, just as we all do when we get stressed. The stimulus for the lobster to be able to grow is that it first feels the pain.”
***I wrote this yesterday just for me -and I was unsure whether I would post it. My labtop this morning wouldn’t let me write – and this was in my phone as a draft…soooo I guess it’s supposed to be out there.
My Desire
I have been getting in touch with the things that I want, my deepest desires – and for now…here they are
I want to feel amazing in my body – i want to run in it – ride scooters and bicylcles – swim with it – challenge it and be sooooo comfortable in it. Feel the relaxation that it can provide – feel the excitement it can experience = learn it and love it.
I want my mind to be at ease. I want my mind to figure shit out and act fast – to be clear – to be empty to allow other energies to play nicely with it. I want it to not be defensive but to appreciate all of its surroundings – to let go of the guards. Their services are no longer needed.
I want my spirit to soar!! Practically out of my body! I want it to shine – I want her and I to be one and to know that this is the best playing field for us right now – she already knows that – I want to know it with her
I want all 3 of us to be so free – to walk without fear on this plane – to hold hands of others and let them know – every thing is alright and every thing is ALL RIGHT.
sincerely
Danielle
I used many chemical substances in my life to try and make me feel better in some way.
A pill to speed me up so I could clean my house or a drink to slow me down so I could sleep…I became dependent on outside resources to live.
Entering into recovery and putting all the drugs down…I was left with my self.
I was like a new born kicking and screaming for my wants and needs to be met – but I was 35 years old.
At first I reached for others attention to fill me.
If others thought I was doing ok…then I believed that I was ok.
But that is the greatest trap of all…and the hardest lesson – but one of the most fruitful ones that I have learned.
Like the drug – the others attention – is temporary and not in my control.
So – back to the drawing board.
Then I discovered the things that I personally Love.
I started very simply – at first it was animals. They had no opinion on when and how I loved them – or how much – or what time I was doing it…they just received it with grace.
Then I branched out into the world of children – and gave my attention to the little ones.
I understood them because they were like me. New and confused but with the desire to laugh and have fun.
Today I am learning that loving others is actually a form of being kind and loving to myself.
This is a gift.
One that I hope everyone experiences.
After a very dark day and some self discovery of just how nasty I feel when I am not loving others….
Everything started to click into place.
I could almost hear the clicks – like a dial being turned. Click – over here and then I turn around and another click over there.
There has been confirmation after confirmation from the Universe – God – ALL – that I am graciously being “lifted” is the only word I can find – to another place within myself.
My uneasiness is less. My tantrums do not last but a minute – ok maybe a day.
My fear – is not present in every move or decision that I make.
I am far more free to move about and LOVE.
When I started this blog – I had no idea why I was doing it.
I am not a social media person and I am typically pretty private.
Hell – I don’t even write or have ever aspired to be any kind of a writer.
But it had rained for 3 days in a row and I was stuck in the house – and the daily addict was born.
I find that I have kept writing daily because when I do – I actually receive solutions to my problems and gain a completely different perspective of the happenings in my life.
If I keep it all in my head and let it swish around in there…it just becomes more noisy and messy.
But when I write – I can actually FEEL the answers formulating.
How do I know they are answers? And not just my opinion?
Well my soul begins settle and to arrest any restlessness. Ease starts to calm the disease in my body …
My words – are not mine.
It feels beautiful.
The other day I paid a visit to my judgemental self.
The part of me that is riddled with self centered fear – the part of me that can’t understand every aspect of the way this world works…so she gets confused uncomfortable and cries “why me?”.
She is funny.
She tantrums like a 2 year old and screams and demands instant relief.
She knows that she is just visiting this place – and cannot wait to get home.
Home is filled with the beauty of the unknown. It is filled with the miraculous gift of this LIFE.
It is a place of knowing that no matter what – it’s all so amazing – and that she and everyone else are eternal and safe in gods hands.
She thrives in this environment.
Thursday morning I woke up – dark. It was stormy and rainy outside and it matched my insides. I felt heavy and then became afraid.
I know through my own experiences that once I get swept up into this lower vibrational, uncomfortable energy it is difficult to get out of and then I am in for some kind of dark day ride.
Last week I felt amazing. I felt the beauty of life – I felt in LOVE in my own skin. I felt that my skin suit finally fit me – I could breathe. I could connect.
So what happened? Why the sudden shift in energy?
Well…I became judgemental and I put a condition on someone else’s behavior.
One of the parents that I nanny for is doing something….that felt unacceptable to me…and the dread of going to work that day I believe caused me to enter into this dark place.
I believe the mom is in active addiction and I shared about it at a meeting the night before this dark day happened.
I do not belong in a place of judgement of others…I belong in a place of love, acceptance and understanding.
Especially knowing that it was the non judgement and unconditional love of others that saved my own life when I was coming out of active addiction.
The non judgement of other addicts saved my life and helped me heal – when I could not.
More will be revealed here of course…but for now…I am back in my own skin feeling better…and far more right sized.
The daily addict 