Mothers day 5/12

Such a hot button topic for me.

There are so many moving parts in this “title” of a day.

First – I have a mom – and for many years I wanted her to be different than who she actually was…until now.

I recently have been given the gift of dropping all of those horrible expectations and judgments in regards to my mom.

One day I heard her voice in a completely different light – and the veil of harsh judgement was lifted – and all I can see and feel for her now is pure love.

Then there is me – a mother myself.

For 7 years of my sons life I was an active addict. I did horrible things – that a good mother wouldn’t do.

I got clean when my son was in first grade.

Every mother’s day clean was a nightmare for me.

Some darkness – in the form of guilt and shame would wash over me.

I never felt worthy or good enough.

Now that I have encountered the freedom of not judging my own mother – I am learning to do this for myself as a mother too.

I believe that being close to someone – like a son – and a mother – is a gift.

There is no perfect. There are only experiences.

And when I am harsh and judge those experiences as wrong or right…I miss the whole thing.

My wish for all moms, sons and daughters today…is to be free to love one another in whatever form that looks like.

My bottom – 14 years ago 5/11

On May 23rd 2010 – I finally surrendered to the disease of addiction.

I was touched by grace – in the form of pain.

It was emotional pain and unconditional love that I had for my son.

I could no longer “be” the source of “his” pain…I saw it in his eyes.

Gods grace allowed me to surrender – and say “that’s enough Danielle.”

So this month – is sometimes tricky to navigate.

Although I got clean and the miracle occurred – I was also at my lowest form of being.

This comes back to me as well.

The insanity of it.

The smells in the air trigger the darkness somehow.

They are welcomed reminders – of where I was…and they are powerful.

Panic attack 5/10

So I had one.

It has not happened in quite some time…and I know a lot of people deal with them regularly.

Especially being an addict – I became addicted to things that helped me avoid – worry, fear, anxiety…life.

So now almost 14 years without a substance…life happens and I feel it.

Lately my body has been going through some major changes and I was given hormones to help with some abnormal bleeding I was having.

SO…could the medicine have played a part in the panic attack? I don’t rule anything out.

This time of year is also very triggering for me – I got clean this month 14 years ago – but I also experienced my bottom this time of year 14 years ago.

Here is what happened:

The day started out pretty rough for me anyways.

I was supposed to be somewhere and I physically could not go. Something was preventing me from driving…it was rainy and I was not feeling well.

My fiance comes to the rescue and we go to a breakfast place.

It’s noisy and it’s busy…he starts talking and I can feel it coming on like a weight – the darkness – the fear – the “I’m not ok” the heart racing – the “I might say something inappropriate or scream uncontrollably” feeling was there.

Panic – I’m frozen – his mouth is moving and I am trying to follow the conversation. His food is in front of him and mine is in front of me.

I know I cant even pick up a fork because my hands would be trembling and shaking so bad my cover would be blown.

I am stuck. My biggest fear on earth – being stuck.

Until I look at the man I love and I quietly whisper to him “I am having a panic attack.”

He instantly – connects with me – looks around frantically for a way out – for an exit – an escape for me.

He calms me down and tells me to breathe…He say’s “your not breathing” I nod and start to breathe.

He hands me the key to his truck…

He takes care of everything on the inside – the food – the bill – the waitress.

I go outside – I cry. I was free.

We ended up spending the day watching tv and laughing.

I am so grateful – once I would have carried that burden all alone – I would have used a pill to mask it.

Today my life is completely different.

I am so happy.

Fitting in verses Belonging 5/9

When I was a child – and even an adult I wanted to “fit in”. Or so I thought.

I just listened to a youtube talk by Brene Brown where she clarifies the difference between “belonging” and “fitting in”.

When I wanted to “fit in” I wanted to become like the others involved.

It posed the question within – who do I need to become to “fit in” with this so called group.

What group? Any group – you name it.

But when I “belong” I am myself and at home where ever I may be. Regardless of who or what is surrounding me.

I no longer need to be a chameleon – I am what I am and its just fine.

I belong here.

Yay!

Go get your ass whooped 5/8

This speech given by Theodore Roosevelt – is so truthful and inspiring.

There is something to be said for the people who are actually in the arena – trying new things, risking their comfort zone and reaching for the greatness within.

This arena can be anything that encourages stretching and testing myself.

I have found that relationships -romantic ones – family ones and friendship ones can introduce new challenges daily.

How kind can I be? How much patience and compassion can I have with myself and another?

Also – in the area of how I am spending my most important currency – MY ENERGY.

Am I willing to make a shift that is uncertain – but the reward could be great and improve my quality of life dramatically?

All of these things can lead to a big mess – but I will never know if I don’t try.

I’ll try stuff – and I’ll mis step and fall sometimes – but I know – that this great spirit of the whole – always has my back.

That’s the freedom.

Angels show up 5/7

Friday morning I with dragging feet – and a brain/disease that kept telling me I was not sick – went to the emergency room.

I did not want to do it. I did not want anyone to come with me…

I have a very stubborn “I’ll do it myself” attitude that rears it’s head in fearful situations.

When I went there I caught myself even down playing the condition to the nurses so that maybe I could just go home.

Surprisingly enough – they all made me feel comfortable that I needed to be looked at – and pretty urgently.

They brought me to a whole different wing of the hospital that was actually really nice. Everything was very clean and very private.

As I was being wheeled to my room – I saw an Angel.

My friend and neighbor Ellie was in the exam room – right next to mine!!!

I have known Ellie for years and we always connect during the summer by the pool.

She has had me in her home for hot soup on a cold day.

She is funny and she is as real as they come.

She was there for something with her stomach and we were just both so happy to see each other!!!

We were there all day together.

If I got lonely or bored I would disconnect from all the machines and go sit and chat with her.

We laughed and we complained and we were both just there…

I know god put her there for me…she was the perfect company.

When I think of how I am constantly being taken care of by god, the universe – by LOVE – I could just cry.

This sneaky disease of addiction showed up again 5/6

I am an addict and my disease will tell me that I am not sick – when in fact – I am.

I can remember many days in active addiction where my mind – my disease – told me that nothing was wrong.

I would wake up mid day – only to throw up red wine off of my back deck – and then proceed to frantically search for more alcohol or a pill for some type of relief.

My disease would tell me that all of this was ok – that I just needed one more substance and I would feel better all over again.

My reluctance to get help these past few months with a medical issue I have been having – brought me right back to my disease.

I have been bleeding for 3 months non stop – and I have ignored that I was sick.

I pretended – I muscled through.

I refused to get help because my brain told me there was nothing wrong with me. That is was normal and acceptable – to bleed every day.

Even when I finally went to the emergency room -my disease was telling me they will not help you – nothing is even wrong with you.

WOW! The mind – my disease – can be VERY sneaky!

I am so grateful today that I have others in my life for guidance and that I some times listen!!

How may I serve? 5/5

I like this part of me that shows up now and again.

It’s the part of me that is unbelievably humble and grateful.

Grateful to the universe, to the life force, to god – to it all.

When I feel this way – I am not seeking anything for myself.

I am looking for ways to serve and show appreciation for the gift I have been given.

I feel so full I desire to give – what ever that may look like.

I surrender to life and become whatever it needs or desires from me.

I really like this part of me.

The tug of war within 5/4

I posted the other day about a medical issue I am currently having My body is yelling at me 5/2

Once I post something it feels like it becomes real for me.

The writing helps me focus and channel my feelings and then the responses from my fellow bloggers, family and friends…somehow make it all more real.

Today I made the decision to go to the emergency room. I have called out of work – and I am going.

I was going to go after work but all signs are pointing for me to go now…and not wait any longer.

What I have realized through this whole process is still how difficult it is for me…to choose me.

I would rather go to work and suffer – than take the day off and go to the ER.

The tug of war within says “You can muscle through another day Danielle.”

I am sick. I am physically not well. Yet my concern is for the family that I nanny for.

I am concerned that they will “think” I am lazy or something.

When I know – that is the furthest thing from the truth of what I am.

On some level I still care what others think…?

I am bleeding non stop – and I am worried that some one else might think I am lazy?

Strange – where did this behavior come from…

It doesn’t really matter now – off to the Emergency Room I go.