Seeking relief 6/4

I am not sure if this applies to people without addiction issues because I only know for myself…I have always been one who is seeking some sort of relief. I think I just never felt “good enough” so naturally when I picked up a substance it made perfect sense. Feeling good feels good and I went to great lengths to feel wonderful.

I do not like nor enjoy feeling uncomfortable. The insecure, unworthy, negative anxious feelings that used to be a part of my every day living…became unbearable. I HAD to feel better at all costs….the cost of my family being torn apart, the cost of my dignity and freedom, the cost of my son seeing me sick and stumbling on my front lawn. I did not care in the moment because life and those “feelings” were to much to handle. Fix it! Give me a fix! Numb my knowledge that something is not quite right in the world. Especially in my world.

The constant comparing of myself to others…and falling short in my mind. Torture!! Then when I finally put all substances down and those horrid feelings still remained – where the F*** was I to find relief??? Well, it happened slowly but it did happen.

The first sign of relief for me was when I was able to share HONESTLY with other addicts what exactly I had been doing. I shared honestly and those people did not judge…they said me too!I was shocked that I was not the devil reincarnated and that there were others just like me. They shared with me their insanity and we were able to laugh and cry together. Free as our true selves!!

There is a level of pride and ego that has to be transcended to get honest. But once I did that the darkness turned to light. I realized I am not the only one and I am not as bad as I think I am.

Speaking honestly has now become a habit of relief for me…I do not need to pick up a drug, sometimes I just need to pick up the phone. I have a handful of people that I trust completely. When I share my insane thoughts today and they laugh or cry with me…it’s pure relief! It feels good 🙂